B&B 2-in-1 Round 6: Hawkman vs. Captain America

It's Round 6, and with the Thing at 3-2, Batman needs to tie things back up here.

In the black corner... it's Batman and Hawkman, written by Bob Haney and drawn by Johnny Craig and Charles Cuidera, Brave and the Bold #70, Cancelled: 2 Super-Heroes!

And in the orange corner... The Thing and Captain America (and Namorita and Mister Fantastic and Invisible Girl and Medusa and Wundarr), written by Steve Gerber and drawn by Sal Buscema and Frank Giacoia, Wundarr Team-Up... I mean, Marvel Two-in-One #4, Doomsday 3014!

And here we go again... DING DING DING!

The Stars
Since Hawkman shows up late, Batman gets the lion's share of the action, and he has to show an impressive amount of stamina in this issue as he battles an entire mob all over town. Then, when you think he's the greatest hero ever, he gives some money to a bum:
A whole DOLLAR!? Bruce really knows how to spend those big bucks. I guess he's gotta save his money for spare batarangs. In any case, the homeless man in question is in the villain's employ and he gives Batman some change... some BUGGED change. After realizing that he's being tracked in order to uncover his secret identity, Bats gets points for tricking his unknown enemy by placing a false call to the police as Bruce Wayne, stating that he called Batman because of a threat on his life... thus explaining why the tracker coin got to Wayne Mansion. Get it? After that, the plot gets confused and silly, and well, I can no longer Batman's logic. He leaves the coin with Carter "Hawkman" Hall so that suspicion now falls on the Winged Wonder, and then there's a costume switch that makes no sense, and the whole creation of a secret identity for Bruce Wayne as a former crook who changed his name. Whatever. What I remember most is that Bruce Wayne has a very nasty habit:
You jump across rooftops with those lungs? For shame! Still, the opening act gets him to +7 bat points.

Ben Grimm's still babysitting Wundarr (now relegated to Odds and Ends as I refuse to consider him a true guest star, see below) and in this story, he takes him to the zoo. There's one good thing that comes out of this, really:
It gets the Thing to beat up a lion, a tiger and a gorilla! Sadly, the panel where he punches a lion so hard he must surely have killed it was too close to the book's crease and it didn't scan in well. Just one more reason to buy your own copy - what am I, the public library? Gee... reading Marvel Two-in-One sure makes me aggressive. Is it all the quality clobberin', or just the presence of lame-ass Wundarr? Now, while I didn't think Batman should be smoking, look here, so does Ben:
You know whay THAT's ok? Because it's a cigar, that's why. And cigars are cool, whereas cigarettes holders are gay. Wolverine and Nick Fury said so, and who am I to argue? Ben also gets points for suggesting that the only way to stop the bad guys is "ta break every bone in their bodies!" See? That's what I mean about quality clobberin'. +8 points

The Guests
Hawkman shows up late, just in time for the absurd secret identity shennanigans, which isn't to his credit. No extra points for having Shayera with him, as she doesn't dress up as Hawkgirl. They're in Gotham for some fancy museum to-do, and Carter gets points for being quite a progressive curator, giving a speech about making the past live, etc. He loses them when he makes a priceless Roman chariot crash into a wall though.
That's not very "archival"... The final secret identity solution has him reveal to the bad guy that he is really an alien, complete with funky mask. Lots of fun, since he IS an alien living among us. +6 bat-points

There are cameos by Mister Fantastic, Medusa, Sharon Carter of SHIELD, Wundarr and Namorita, but I'll take care of them later. No, the true guest star is Captain America. He's on a date with Sharon at the zoo and deals harshly with some looters, though no punching animals. Boooo! After a hard minute's fighting, it's off to the Baxter Building for tea and crumpets. When an unexpected Mantis lookalike shows up from the future, he learns that he's a legend in 3014 (see Quesada? Still relevant after almost 1000 years!) and volunteers to go help her liberate the Earth from the evil Badoon. That's what it's all about for him: Freedom and knocking teeth out with his shield. +5 points

The Villains
In the bat-corner, check out this loon:
I was actually impressed. The Collector wants to collect the rarest thing of all: superhero secret identities. His massive computer even comes up aces by correctly identifying Bruce Wayne as Batman, but he's a meticulous madman. He must have absolute proof or this knowledge is worthless. And so begins his plan to track Batman to Wayne Mansion thanks to 1) the tracker coin pass-off and 2) getting a mob to stage crimes to determined points to make sure Batman kept the coin. He also manages to pump Batman and Hawkman full of truth serum to make them admit their identities, but since they are, for some reason, wearing each others' costumes, it doesn't quite work. Eventually, the guy goes to prison with some erroneous thoughts on the heroes' IDs, but it's not like he'll ever tell, since that would invalidate his collection. Get this guy a room at Arkham. +7 bat-points

We don't even see the Badoon in this comic (it's to be continued), but we know they've enslaved the Earth in 3014. Basically, they've put silly Andorian antennae on everyone and turned them into henchmen.
And that big one on the right? That's (all together now) THE MONSTER OF BADOON! Just a guy big enough to give Ben Grimm some trouble and then carry him to its masters. You know what? I liked the escaped zoo animals a heck of a lot better. +3 points

Odds vs. Ends
From Brave and the Bold:
The plot generates a lot of suspense at first, but loses steam very quickly once Hawkman is introduced. Too bad, because his action scenes are rather fun. ±0 bat-point
Haney revels in giving every ordinary goon his own shtick and nickname, so Batman has to get through Ike the Iceman and Willie the Finger (jewel thieves), Sailor Sykes and The Admiral (canal pirates), etc. That Nick Cathcart Mob is a hoot! +3 bat-points
An example of Haney's effusive style, as he gives the reader an alliterative multiple choice:
+1 bat-point
The Collector has a weird collection of Perispheres, replicas of the World's Fair buildings... It would later be revealed to be the secret HQ of WWII superhero group, the All-Star Squadron. So the Collector HAD a secret identity in his collection already, but just didn't know it. +1 retroactive bat-point
The Collector's computer is so surprised by the real identity of Batman that it can't help but exclaim:
It even types in [...] for a more dramatic effect. +1 bat-point

From Marvel Two-in-One:
In the smoking boudoir picture above, you might have noticed that the boys had Medusa and Sharon making coffee in the kitchen or something. If you think that's the best use of a SHIELD agent's talents, raise your hand. -2 points
Steve Gerber's pet project Wundarr is, of course, still plaguing this comic. By this point, he's learned to talk like a friggin' moron, calling the Thing "Unca Ben", having to be dragged by the hand, asking for candy and balloons and crying like a baby when he doesn't get what he wants.
I'm not sure how to make this character any more annoying. -3 points
Namorita has a small but crucial cameo, TAKING WUNDARR AWAY WITH HER. YES! There IS an Editor! I don't even care that it's superhero day at the New York zoo, just get Wundarr outta here. +2 points
Any story that uses Doctor Doom's time machine is ok by me.
+1 point

Farewells and Scoring
Batman and Hawkman cement their bond by laughing at the villain's folly while Hawkgirl goes "Oh, how naughty!"
+2 bat-points

Because the story is to be continued and our heroes are down for the count in the last panel, Ben doesn't get a farewell, unfriendly or otherwise (+0 points). One farewell I already gave points to, however, is between Ben and Wundarr, with a kiss from Namorita thrown in:

Round 6 ends at 28 to 14 for Hawkman as Captain America takes another bloody nose. It hasn't been his year, geez! So Batman DOES tie things up once again. Cap gets another chance next time, so watch for that rematch!