Gamer Profile: The Jerk

Name withheld to protect the idiot. My very first player was the Jerk, part of my initial D&D group for almost 4 years until, well, I couldn't stand him anymore. And neither could anyone else.

Now, this guy was a jerk outside of gaming too, borrowing your stuff without asking - you'd sometimes find him in your home reading your comics (small town, doors unlocked) - stabbing your sister with a thumbtack, breaking your glasses because you beat him at chess (that was the last straw by the way), etc. But just like I can keep my personal and professional lives separate, I can do the same with personal life and gaming life. Just ask Pout who got a glowing review last week.

As a gamer, the Jerk was loud and obnoxious too. Beyond the usual limits, I mean. Each time he went into battle he would make these sound effects and accompanying gestures that went more with a giant mecha robot than any sword I ever saw. It was like D&D night at Police Academy must've been like.

We played at his house and as the perfect host, he would lord it over us. He once threw me out of his house at the start of the night because I had made a prop ring to wear. I don't know what about pipe cleaner jewelry made him freak out. So I took my GMing gear and started to leave, but before I did, I asked his dad if it disturbed him that I was wearing it, and it didn't, so he told his son to stop being such a jerk. Lovely man. Used to give premarital courses.

How we got rid of the Jerk: Well, my displeasure was further fueled by another player's and we concocted a plan. His characters (everyone had two or three at the time, which tripled the mecha sound effects) hated the Jerk's characters, and in old school AD&D, Assassin is a class. The plan on his side was basically to use Time Stop spells and a vorpal katana to make it appear like heads were rolling of their own volition. He even cut himself to make it appear like the whole party was under attack. On my end, I simply covered for him, rolling a lot of "uh-oh" dice and enacting his plan as laid out. All fingers pointed to some Demon Queen or other (oh Zuggtemoy, you BITCH!), and with all of the Jerk's characters dead, we just ended for the night trying to hide our goofy grins.

And with his 4-year-old characters dead, he lost interest and never really asked to play again. We changed venue and never invited him. So maybe in his mind we just never found time to play again and the campaign simply collapsed. Yes, I realize *I* was the jerk in that story, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire...


Anonymous said...

Hey, my group had one of those! Our solution (not much closer to the high road) was to change location to someone else's house and "forget" to tell him.

Siskoid said...

In our case, I think an in-game storytelling reason for the disappearance had to be satisfied.

I realize now that I have a problem.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

...he would make these sound effects and accompanying gestures that went more with a giant mecha robot...

To his defense, he was an effective BattleTech player (and soundFX-appropriate).


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