Way of the Dragon Retold

Sometimes I watch a film so you don't have to. Case in point: Way of the Dragon (or if you saw Enter the Dragon first, you might call it Return of the Dragon). On the surface, it sounds good: Bruce Lee versus Chuck Norris in the Roman Coliseum! Yeah, that's something I'd like to see! But to get there, you have to get through a lot. It's your own personal Game of Death.

Credits sequence - what all those guys rowing have to do with the movie is a complete mystery.
Oh geez, written and directed by Bruce Lee. THIS IS PURE BRUCE LEE, PEOPLE! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!

Bruce arrives at the airport in Rome and a mean old lady stares at him. A lot. For no apparent reason.
And she is never heard from again. Despite being a zen master, Bruce eventually feels uncomfortable and makes a kid drop his ice cream.
He then walks into the airport restaurant and orders 5 bowls of soup from their extensive soup menu.
SOUP FU!
Bruce finally walks out of the airport and is picked up by the lovely Nora Miao, whose uncle is a friend of Bruce's family. Good thing she knows where the toilet is (I'm NOT kidding about any of these plot points). She drives him through Rome, she helps set him up in an apartment, she brings him to a bank so he's not walking around with cash, she teaches him about the Western Way... This is the Roman Holiday portion of our film. She explains her family's restaurant is being harassed by gangsters who want to force them to sell the real estate. He vows to help with his fists. On the way, he accidentally flirts with Italian beauty Malisa Longo.
She brings him to his hotel, offers up a flash of gratuitous nudity, and Bruce leaves when he sees it. She is never heard from again despite her spotlight in the opening credits.

He finally reaches the restaurant, has a cup of tea... and then he learns the kitchen staff is practicing martial arts in the alley. He introduces himself and they really want to see his kung fu. So do we! We're at the 25 minute mark here! They set themselves up with sand bags so as not to get hurt...
And the cook walks in and tells them the break is over!
Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Bruce what are you doing to us!?

Well, clearly, I can't do this all in one post. The excitement is just too much for me. Come back tomorrow for part 2 of Way of the Dragon. Maybe there'll even be a fight in it.