What If... Dazzler Had Become the Herald of Galactus?

Ah Dazzler... She's the Kylie Minogue of the Marvel Universe. Kylie with the mutant power to create her own light show on stage. So of course, she had to have her own series. Some What If? stories, like some Doctor Who Christmas specials, don't really deserve to be told. But by the power of Kylie/Dazzler, they are...

What If Vol.1 #33 (June 1982)
Based on: Dazzler #11
The true history: Hopped up on absorbing Klaw, Dazzler has enough juice to fight Terrax, cruel Herald of Galactus gone rogue. Galactus' ship computers identify her as the only one able to bring him in and she does so. Galactus forces him back into service and sends Dazzler back to Earth.
Turning point: What if Galactus judged Terrax more harshly?
Story type: Everybody Dies... Eventually
Watcher's mood: Rub the Buddah
Altered history: In this world, Galactus banishes Terrax to a black hole and immediately chooses Dazzler as his new herald. Hey, it's either that or he'll eat Earth. Dazz sacrifices herself and all the loose subplot threads she was nursing in her series for us. Yes, she's the Marvel Universe's greatest hero (BUY HER SERIES OR THE WATCHER WILL BE VERY CROSS WITH YOU!). She's the only Herald of Galactus to celebrate her getting the Power Cosmic with a music video.
From there, she sings her way across the universe, her pop tunes audible even through the void of space (shudder!). The first time she sees Galactus suck a planet's biosphere out, she is shocked and vows never to feed him one with people on it. She makes a mistake and offers him one inhabited by sentient plants, but he finds a reason to reject it at the last minute. Yep, he's fallen for Dazzler.
Slashfic writers, to your keyboards! Dazzler is later injured by a weapon powered by Terrax' lost axe, which makes Galactus go mental on the "galactic coalition" that is trying to destroy him.
Yeah, that was never gonna work. Dazz heals from her wounds thanks to the healing power of music, and she's very angry at the Eater of Worlds. She wants out of this toxic relationship, and Galactus lets her go (to the tune of Sting's "If you love somebody, set them free"). She goes back to Earth, but it's hundreds of years later (time flies when you're eating worlds), and everybody's dead. I don't just mean everybody she knows. I mean everybody.
This is What If? after all. So Dazzler returns to Galactus, determined to make it work. Tsk, tsk. Some girls never learn.
Books canceled as a result: Only Dazzler needs be canceled at the moment of Heraldry, especially since she doesn't return to Earth until the end days.
These things happen: Nope, not even in a crazy sci-fi Kylie video.

Next week: What if Iron Man Was Trapped in the Time of King Arthur?
My guess: No one else ever wins a jousting match ever again.

4 comments:

greywulf said...

I have very fond memories of What If: Thor became the herald of Galactus. But I reckon this one trumps it!

Siskoid said...

Giving Thor the Power Cosmic seems like overkill to me :)

chiasaur11 said...

On the other hand, giving an alien cyborg demon hunter the power of Thor could seem like overkill, if Beta Ray Bill wasn't so awesome.

Siskoid said...

That's "just-right-kill".

 

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