What If... Wolverine Battled Conan the Barbarian?

Or more properly "What if Wolverine had lived during the age of Conan the barbarian?", which doesn't obligate them to fight each other. Of course, they WILL. This IS a Marvel comic after all. And a 90s Marvel comic at that. Ergo, Wolverine headlines.

What If vol.2 #16 (August 1990)
Based on: Uncanny X-Men #137
The true history: The Shi'ar are putting the X-Men on trial (they really are the galaxy's D.A.s, aren't they?) on the Moon for suffering Phoenix to live. While Phoenix goes Dark during their battle with the Imperial Guard, Wolverine gets lost in the Watcher's moonbase, gaining access to various "realities". The Watcher throws him out of there, putting him right where he can throw Colossus (Reverse Fastball Special!) at Phoenix, knocking Jean Gray back into alignment long enough for her to commit suicide.
Turning point: What if the Watcher had not kicked Wolverine out of his place?
Story type: Conan Crossover
Watcher's mood: Asymmetrically simian
Altered history: Uatu, realizing his base is full of Space Lawyers, chooses to follow the Watchers' non-intervention code to the letter, allows Wolverine to get lost among the various realities, landing the short-statured mutant in the ancient days of Conan. He's quick to adapt despite not knowing the language. Well, by adapt I mean steal clothes. He doesn't meet Conan right away though. He first comes across Red Sonja, though he first thinks she's Jean Gray.
I guess this proves all redheads in comics look exactly the same. It keeps Mary Jane Watson in the superhero movie business, anyway. Sonja is a sucker for anyone who can beat her, so they hit it off. Their first date is going well until Conan makes an appearance. They fight for the girl.
That's gotta hurt. Conan breaking a sword on your hide? Oh yeah, for sure. Conan leaves Logan for dead, but that night, the mutant rises, healed but for his mind which has regressed to savagery. He hunts down Conan who is in the middle of a negotiation for Sonja's soul with a dual-class magic-user/cleric and his pet demon. Wolverine's interference makes him open a portal back to standard continuity.
But in the ensuing demon-fighting, crap happens and Conan falls through the portal instead, and after Wolverine chops the spellcaster's head off, the whole dang temple falls on their heads. From then on, Logan takes Conan's place at Sonja's side and in the Hyborian legends.
But what of Conan and the X-Men? Well, the Cimmerian pops out on the Moon and fights the assembled aliens and mutants there. When he sees him attacking Sonja's lookalike, he knocks Cyclops out. And when Cyclops' psychic link to Phoenix is broken, and without Wolverine present to improbably pitch Colossus at Jean, she goes Dark for good and the Phoenix Force consumes the Earth. Yay!
Books canceled as a result: It's an Everybody Dies story disguised as a Conan Crossover! All of them except Wolverine books that replace Conan's. Marvel's output is reduced to Logan the Barbarian, King Wolverine, and the magazine-sized Savage Claws of Logan.
These things happen: The reverse happened when the Hyborian Age came to modern day New York, transforming it into a sword & sorcery version of itself. Though the X-Men fought the wizard Kulan Gath, they never met his archenemy Conan in that adventure (Uncanny X-Men #188-191).

Next week: What if Kraven the Hunter Had Killed Spider-Man?
My guess: Taxidermy gone wrong.