HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA What's Going On?

The final part of my "live blogging" exercise about The Masters of the Universe live action film, 15 minutes to go!

You know when I compared the movie to Jack Kirby's New Gods? Well, a giant helmet makes Skeletor develop Omega Beams. COINCIDENCE?!Not that Darkseid wore a giant helmet, though I bet he had a huge collection for special events. Only two sidekicks, a dwarf and two teens can help He-Man now! Kevin! Play some of that glam-rockin' music!
Lubic jumps in to arrest the lot just as Kevin's concerto ends, and he gets sucked into a Boom Tube with the rest of 'em.
They interrupt Skeletor's philosophical ruminations about alignment: "Is the loneliness of good equal to the loneliness of evil?" (Answer, Lawful is never as lonely as Chaotic, dude.) The heroes are back at the Grayskull location, and they've brought that silly Earth set with them.
And man, foul-mouthed Lubic can's stop pushing the movie to PG. He-Man's friends get shot at so the slave deal is OFF. He-Man angles his manacles so that Skeletor's magic missile frees him!
And that chain makes a handy weapon too! Back at the half-car, Lubic's finally getting it that this is real, but as he can't help but talk about himself in the third person, I'll have to evaluate his state of mind as "unhinged". Still, can't fault his shotgun skills. Skeletor's forces are having a hard time with He-Man too, and their boss-man isn't giving them any help when he specifies he needs him alive. Pinned down, He-Man starts pushing statues down. Roll Intimidation at +2.
The distraction is enough to get He-Man to where his sword's been put in a stone. Through the pain of Skeletor's voltage strikes, he pulls it out and at least PART of the cartoon introduction is reproduced for the big screen. "I HAVE THE POWER!!!"
(Still no "By the power of Grayskull" though. Or a choir chanting "He-Man! He-Man! He-Man!" And those are the best parts, sigh.) Alright, throw the discotheque lights and let's throw down for OUR FINAL BATTLE!!!
The fight drains Skeletor of power and helmets, but he doesn't give up easily. Just when you think it's over, he pulls a sword from his evil shorts and glances He-Man's right into a position that gives me a bad flashback to The Phantom Menace (and thus, a headache).
Predictably, He-Man saves his sharp-edged friend, and Skeletor goes the way of every movie villain from 1985 to 1995 - he goes off the edge.
NOW you regret building Grayskull on top of a giant shaft to Hell, don't you?

The Sorceress is healed. The sidekicks start shouting victory. He-Man turns to see what all the noise is ("Oh, that's right, you guys exist. Yeah, victory.") Lubic retires to Eternia where he's already found a sailor's costume and a girlfriend...
Courteney Cox does what she does best, and that's choke back the tears and make you all weepy (SHUT UP) even though she knew these people for all of five minutes before she was knocked out by Skeletor's poison. Gwildor pulls a Doctor Who on her and Kevin by saying "Did I mention it travels in time?" but they don't take the Rose-bait and choose to go home to the present, 1987. Boy, remember when that WAS the present? I still have nightmares about the white pants I used to wear after Labor Day. Good journey, kids!

Oh crap! Julie was too late to realize she could go back in time to save her parents! But then the Boom Tube acts like it never has before and she wakes up in bed BEFORE her parents' plane accident. Was it all a dream? And more importantly, will Julie and Kevin overcome their apparent lack of chemistry and stay together now that she doesn't have to leave this parentless crap-town?
By George, they might just make it. One last, gratuitous, blue-screened I HAVE THE POWER and we're into the end credits. It's finally ov---
Oh Lord, he'll be back!

And that's awesome because Langella's Skeletor was da bomb. You think his contract to come back for a sequel is still valid? That was certainly a wild and better than expected ride! Cons: He-Dolph, teen angst and the color schemes. Pros: Effects, Kirbyisms and badass Skeletor. But it's over, no regrets, let's celebrate!

See you Sunday for my capsule review of the DVD extras (because, oh yes!).

3 comments:

De said...

While I've seen the movie many times (thanks to Blockbuster Video and HBO), I've never watched my DVD copy. Thinking of pairing it with the original Punisher film for a Dolph Double Feature night.

Siskoid said...

I have a friend whose interests you just intersected.

He'll be on my radio show this weekend in fact.

Teebore said...

Just when you think it's over, he pulls a sword from his evil shorts

Blew my little mind back in the day. "Holy crap, Skeletor has a sword too!" That was pretty much the pinnacle of cool for me for awhile there.

Lubic retires to Eternia where he's already found a sailor's costume and a girlfriend...

I LOVE that Lubic says "fuck it" and decides to stay in the magical fantasy land where hot chicks inexplicably throw themselves at him. It's one of the most honest reactions I've ever seen in one of these movies where ordinary people go to a fantastic land, because usually the ordinary people stupidly choose to go back to their boring normal lives (like Kevin and Julie do).

Gwildor pulls a Doctor Who on her and Kevin by saying "Did I mention it travels in time?"

Which is information that would have been useful at the beginning of the film, when He-Man and company could have just gone back and prevented Skeletor from capturing Grayskull in the first place. Then again, Gwildor was always scatterbrained and not much of a "big picture" guy.

And more importantly, will Julie and Kevin overcome their apparent lack of chemistry and stay together now that she doesn't have to leave this parentless crap-town?

And will Kevin's feelings for Julie remain now that he's seen her in that hideous, school marm-ish nightgown?

Oh Lord, he'll be back!

I still remember the first time I saw that stinger. I had rented the video, and after the movie ended, just happened to let the credits roll while I did something else, only to suddenly have Skeletor pop up out of that goo.

It was the first time I realized movies could put things at the end of the credits, and to this day, is the standard against which I compare all post credit stingers.

 

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