I Became He-Man, the Most Powerful Man in the Universe!

Part 4 of my "live blogging" of The Masters of the Universe live action film from where we left off yesterday at 0:45:30. Still with me?

So Detective Lubic escorts Kevin to Julie's house where he hopes to find his key suspect in a certain teenage arson case. Julie's not there, of course, but only half her stuff looks packed and she's still got food in the fridge. This, mere hours before she leaves for the East Coast. Disorganized much? Lubic lets his hair down and starts playing the Cosmic Synth.This can't possibly end well. Unless Skeletor's mercs are lame, of course. But they won't be, not after they fill up on pizza:
WRONG WAY! Oh well. They can eat after.

So Evil-Lyn has this groovy scanner that sees into the past, and there's He-Man alright, but where are the "other forces" Karg and them blamed their defeat on?
Evil-Lyn's dry remark about the native girl who apparently tipped the scales against the mercs shows why she's the perfect girlfriend for Skeletor. Power Emasculation Action!

Meanwhile, comedy faces from Lubic and Kevin puts a bucket of ribs in the microwave, creating interference for Evil-Lyn's troops tracking the Cosmic Key, like nothing they've seen before. DESTROY IT!
What a waste of perfectly good ribs. And Lubic finds out just how easy it is to commit arson. So it's off to the station with the Cosmic Key, cuz Lubic isn't kidding around. Arson, vandalism, exploding microwaves and possibly stolen thingamagiggers? He's building a case!

He's also attracting the attention of mercenaries from another world, but that comes with the badge. But slow to track, as usual, they make a pitstop at Julie's. Kevin TRIES to wave them off with repeated "get outta here"s, but I'm not sure Beastman even understands English.
But Evil-Lyn doesn't let him get killed and instead puts a collar on him that makes him answer all questions.
Would you cheat on Julie with Evil-Lyn? That's not one of the questions. He only reveals a policeman took the Key. I'm not sure he would have kept it a secret. Whatever. Before they leave, the mercs ransack the place, unpack all of Julie's things, and steal some of her scrapbooking before flying off.
And only THEN does Gwildor's "land boat" show up with the heroes. They take the collar off Kevin and he FREAKS OUT. Petite little Julie has to shake him straight. And of course, you can always count on Gwildor to inspire trust.
Oh the mirth! There are many scenes in this film that lead me to believe that "comedy" isn't all that evolved on Eternia. Anyway, maybe the heroes can head Evil-Lyn's sky barge at the pass before it reaches Lubic. But maybe not considering the hyper-slow speed the neutrino-powered car is consistently doing. I mean, really. Why put a big, red impulse engine on the back of it if it'll only do 30 in a 45 zone? Maybe it's going so slow because some of Gwildor's modifications are dragging under it?
They catch up with Lubic at the music store where - 80s ALERT! - the cop is ready to blame the Russians for all this. He pulls a gun on He-Man. Teela takes it from him. And all of a sudden we've got a hostage situation. Can Gwildor set the Boom Tube for Eternia before Evil-Lyn's forces attack? Is this really a good time for Kevin to try to learn about the "music of the universe" and just what Gwildor is doing? Are a pile of screws and bolts on the top of an amp really an accurate model of the universe for calculating galactic coordinates? Is distance calculated in metrons as a tribute to Kirby's Fourth World? How is Charlie reminded of Invasion of the Body Snatchers by this situation? And more importantly, will Lubic and Charlie bond?
The answer to all of these is: WHO CARES LETS JUST BLOW THE HELL OUT OF THIS TACKY MUSIC STORE!!!
And that's exactly where the first hour ends. And if this were a stage musical (and the big question is, WHY ISN'T IT?), there'd be an intermission about now.

Let's make like it is, and I'll see you midweek next week for the continuing adventures of the Masters... of... the Universe! (Let's all go to the lobby...)

2 comments:

De said...

James Tolkan was the Robert Patrick of the 80s. Loving this live review.

Teebore said...

80s ALERT! - the cop is ready to blame the Russians for all this.

To roughly paraphrase Spinal Tap, nobody suffered from the fall of Communism more than action movies, who lost their go-to villains.

I always felt like the ability to see the past via that device should give Evil-Lyn a huge leg up, until I realize it doesn't really help much unless you're a cop (or want to embarrass your goons).

 

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