Continuing my "live blogging" of The Masters of the Universe live action film from where I left off yesterday, oh, at about 0:16:30.
So from where we left off? The heroes had just jumped into an 80s pinks'n'purples Boom Tube.
Cue some "comic business" with Gwildor the Dwarf falling head first into a farty mud swamp. You know He-Man is pure of heart because he's the only one that doesn't laugh. Shame on you, Teela and Man-at-Arms! Poor little guy has his gill slits clogged with stanky water.
Oh the yucks! And even more hilarity ensues when "something big" approaches. Is it intelligent life? Is it dangerous?
Man, there just isn't enough Battlecat in this movie, is there? They've lost the key in the landing, so they split up to find it. (Despite Gwildor's best efforts, the forest cow doesn't go with them.)
Cut to Robby's Ribs'n'Chicken where Courteney Cox is tending the counter until her big break (wait, is this before or after Family Ties?) She plays Julie, a California girl about to move to Jersey (it IS a fantasy film, after all) and break up with boyfriend Kevin whom she still loves. Also, the hint of a bra!
I bet that's about as sexy as Masters of the Universe will be. Julie rocks a jean jacket with lots of vanity buttons, and her boyfriend Kevin - played by Tom Paris - is a sensible lover boy who hopes to bring her to his sound check before he has to drop her off at the bus depot.
It boils down to this: She's with him because he's a musician with a van. He's with her for the free buckets of ribs. It's gonna be a great last date: He wants to go to a sound check (that's the thing where the drummer bangs on each of his drums repeatedly, right?) and she wants to visit her parents' graves one last time!
Robby's is in Teela's sector, but her Dad-at-Arms is pretty hungry, so he shows up to. And Gwildor too, stealing buckets of chicken and ribs from couples too, uhm, distracted to notice. I do like how Teela and Gwildor are repulsed when they realize they're eating off rib bones.
I guess they don't eat animals in Eternia anymore. Man-at-Arms is lovin' it though.
Back on the date to end all dating, ever, Julie isn't just visiting a pair of graves, she reveals to her soon-to-be ex that it was her fault they died. He still tries to put the moves on her. Class.
See, they were supposed to go the beach together, but she wanted to go out with Kevin, so they took a plane somewhere instead and it crashed. So really, she's saying it's HIS fault they're dead. I think he's gonna get lucky before she leaves, don't you? She wishes she could change things (I'm wishing they hadn't awkwardly dubbed that dialog over her closed mouth) and Kevin invokes the idea that wishes only come true in fairy tales. OMG, ARE THEY GONNA BE THROWN IN THE LAZARUS PIT?! (Called it, if they are.) Just then, they find the Cosmic Key, which Kevin immediately recognizes as a Japanese synthesizer (this guy's a MUSICIAN?). To be fair, it does play 80s incidental music when you fiddle with it.
But since Skeletor was waiting for the Key to be activated to home in on He-Man's location, this may not be a good idea. GoogleMaps activate!
It's so rare that science-fiction gets it right. It's time to send some power fisting mercenaries to Earth!
BLADE! He'll cut you... with his ears!
SAUROD! He does a creepy thing with his throat (regurgitating rats?).
The BEASTMAN! Still not orange.
And KARG! (The guy I thought was Beast Man yesterday.) Sayeth Skeletor: "A curious quartet." As good a place as any to leave off before things get even curiouser. Tomorrow: Mercs on Earth!
So from where we left off? The heroes had just jumped into an 80s pinks'n'purples Boom Tube.
Cue some "comic business" with Gwildor the Dwarf falling head first into a farty mud swamp. You know He-Man is pure of heart because he's the only one that doesn't laugh. Shame on you, Teela and Man-at-Arms! Poor little guy has his gill slits clogged with stanky water.
Oh the yucks! And even more hilarity ensues when "something big" approaches. Is it intelligent life? Is it dangerous?
Man, there just isn't enough Battlecat in this movie, is there? They've lost the key in the landing, so they split up to find it. (Despite Gwildor's best efforts, the forest cow doesn't go with them.)Cut to Robby's Ribs'n'Chicken where Courteney Cox is tending the counter until her big break (wait, is this before or after Family Ties?) She plays Julie, a California girl about to move to Jersey (it IS a fantasy film, after all) and break up with boyfriend Kevin whom she still loves. Also, the hint of a bra!
I bet that's about as sexy as Masters of the Universe will be. Julie rocks a jean jacket with lots of vanity buttons, and her boyfriend Kevin - played by Tom Paris - is a sensible lover boy who hopes to bring her to his sound check before he has to drop her off at the bus depot.
It boils down to this: She's with him because he's a musician with a van. He's with her for the free buckets of ribs. It's gonna be a great last date: He wants to go to a sound check (that's the thing where the drummer bangs on each of his drums repeatedly, right?) and she wants to visit her parents' graves one last time!Robby's is in Teela's sector, but her Dad-at-Arms is pretty hungry, so he shows up to. And Gwildor too, stealing buckets of chicken and ribs from couples too, uhm, distracted to notice. I do like how Teela and Gwildor are repulsed when they realize they're eating off rib bones.
I guess they don't eat animals in Eternia anymore. Man-at-Arms is lovin' it though.Back on the date to end all dating, ever, Julie isn't just visiting a pair of graves, she reveals to her soon-to-be ex that it was her fault they died. He still tries to put the moves on her. Class.
See, they were supposed to go the beach together, but she wanted to go out with Kevin, so they took a plane somewhere instead and it crashed. So really, she's saying it's HIS fault they're dead. I think he's gonna get lucky before she leaves, don't you? She wishes she could change things (I'm wishing they hadn't awkwardly dubbed that dialog over her closed mouth) and Kevin invokes the idea that wishes only come true in fairy tales. OMG, ARE THEY GONNA BE THROWN IN THE LAZARUS PIT?! (Called it, if they are.) Just then, they find the Cosmic Key, which Kevin immediately recognizes as a Japanese synthesizer (this guy's a MUSICIAN?). To be fair, it does play 80s incidental music when you fiddle with it.
But since Skeletor was waiting for the Key to be activated to home in on He-Man's location, this may not be a good idea. GoogleMaps activate!
It's so rare that science-fiction gets it right. It's time to send some power fisting mercenaries to Earth!
BLADE! He'll cut you... with his ears!
SAUROD! He does a creepy thing with his throat (regurgitating rats?).
The BEASTMAN! Still not orange.And KARG! (The guy I thought was Beast Man yesterday.) Sayeth Skeletor: "A curious quartet." As good a place as any to leave off before things get even curiouser. Tomorrow: Mercs on Earth!
Comments
It's made up for by Man-At-Arms wolfing them down with a cheery grin. He don't give a shit, that guy.
Also, Monica AND Monica's mum. That blew my mind when I saw the film again a few years ago.
Sadly, it wasn't until I watched this again recently that I wondered what the hell a freaking cow was doing wandering through the woods...
And Gwildor too, stealing buckets of chicken and ribs
To this day, I can't eat ribs without thinking (and sometimes saying...) Gwildor's line, "I was going to share! I was going to share!"
To be fair, it does play 80s incidental music when you fiddle with it.
And it is the 80s, when technology from Japan seemed like it may as well have been from Apokolips.
BLADE! He'll cut you... with his ears!
God damn, I thought Blade was the coolest mo-fo ever when I was a kid. He had swords! And knives! And I was an easily amused kid!