And One Outsider Will Die!!!! (Promise!)

Batman and the Outsiders 12 - Pages 18-23
In a comic that thankfully doesn't exist called "Untold Tales of the Outisders", Batman and his gang of meddling kids have been running around Japan, sticking glowing shuriken next to castles to see if they're at the right place. Instead of showing the origami clue to the tourism bureau and maybe getting a hit. But this isn't Detective Comics. No, let's follow the dowsing rod instead.

My thoughts exactly, Katana. Noguri decides to show up about the same time, and hopefully, this'll explain what's actually going on in this subplot

Nope, I'm as confused as ever. Why does Fisher put air quotes around the word "representative" except to show his hand early? And did Noguri really come alone? Takeo's with him. It gets worse:

Surprised and outed by the Soul-Sucked Samurais, Fisher pulls a gun (so the knife trick earlier had no narrative function) in full view of Noguri's six (many costumed) bodyguards and tells him it's join or die. What was the plan here? You want to do business with a Yakuza leader at gunpoint? And you don't expect him to retaliate the minute you're no longer in the room? Or in this case, STILL in the room, since he has the numbers? Come ON, Mike Barr! That's remedial even for Outsider opponents.

But let's get back to the Outsiders themselves. Question: What's Geo-Force been learning in college?

Answer: Stuff Halo hasn't been learning in high school. Girl, pay attention. To the fight, I mean. She is SO easily distracted. Note how the priority targets were apparently the gun thugs, rather than the super-skilled/powered guys that just TROUNCED them a few pages back. And sure, assign your most powerful members to that menial task. Because when it comes to strategy, there's nobody worse than the Outsiders. Case in point:

That's Metamorpho, fighting back to back with Black Lightning, turning into a gas as Shuriken throws her deadly stars. BL is REAL lucky it didn't go right through to his back, especially after I promised the death of an Outsider by issue's end. He'd never have notices, busy as he was punching, NOT ZAPPING, Nunchaku. So is it Katana that's gonna die at her husband's hands?

Nope, Maseo wants to lose this fight too much to actually prove a threat. Maybe Takeo can throw himself into the fray once he's taken care of Fisher.

There, that was easy. Anything to stop that guy from throwing more air quotes around. And hey, you know who did a piss-poor job of knocking out those gunsels? Halo and Geo-Force, that's who, because they're still fighting. To add insult to injury, they're fighting the Samurais, so those were allies you were taking out first.

Wait, weren't the Outsiders fighting the Samurais just now? Where are they in that panel? Hidden in the hot pink fumes? By the way, it's not clear, but this is where they all die. That's them dying you're seeing. Because it wouldn't do for the Outsiders to actually take out the supervillains.

Blowdart's dart (I hate these guys' names, you know that?) bounces off Batman's muscles (ya!) as the Dark Knight tries to fix ANOTHER of his team's oversights. When he tells you to take out the gun thugs, how about you do it, next time?

Meanwhile, the Katana-Maseo fight is going nowhere. Doesn't Maseo remember being in the sword? Which Katana used to slap people around? What are the chances she'd kill you even if she tried? But what if Maseo tried to kill someone else to get his wife's dander up? How about Halo? Maseo already effectively killed Katana's two other kids, so why not her? WHY NOT HER? (It's a suggestion more than a question.)

Aw geez, it's Sophie's Choice all over again.

Harsh! The implication is that Maseo dies for real now and doesn't return to the sword, and his soul-stuff dissolves along with the origami castle which was soul-stuff too. Maybe her sword is packed with the things. The soul-sucked had to have their hobbies. Ok, NOW can Katana kill someone with the sword?

Therrrrrre we go. Been a long time coming. That blade was PARCHED. Of course, it might not have happened had Takeo not insisted on drawing Katana closer so he could SHOOT HER WITH A GUN. Ranged weapon FAIL. And if you expect "No Kill" Batman to say something, you're going to be disappointed. Don't ask, don't tell, look the other way when it happens right in front of you.

Sorry Takeo, you didn't teach her the ceremony to do so, nor is that ceremony any kind of freedom since it turns you into a slave.

EPILOGUE: On the plane trip back, the Outsiders seem very interested in Nogori and even Fisher's organization, as if these guys were ever on their radar to begin with, and... CRAP! I SAID AN OUTSIDER WAS GOING TO DIE BUT NO ONE'S FALLEN YET!

It can't be Batman! No, he's not dead, he's just unconscious according to the team's Obviousness Medic, Geo-Force.

So that dart that bounced off, somehow scratched Batman? And I'm sorry, Bat-fans, but THERE'S NO ANTIDOTE!

The Outsiders - Jumping to conclusions since 1982. And please, next issue blurb, don't make promises you can keep. "Maybe our last"? "It'll be good?" I'm not lucky enough for either.

Well, sorry about the death of Batman and all, guys, but I've got to wrap this up until this summer. I can only read a couple issues a year and keep my sanity, you know that.