Lodging with the Doctors

A game many Doctor Who fans invariably play after watching The Lodger is imagine the other Doctors in that situation. How would Hartnell, Pertwee or McCoy have fared as Craig's flat mate (or as your own, if you're feeling particularly adventurous)? The episode's writer, Gareth Roberts, kind of encourages us to because "The Lodger" was actually adapted from his comics story featuring the tenth Doctor and Mickey (so more of a Jimmy Olsen story, then).

So that's the game we're going to play now. What if Craig answered the door and found...

The First Doctor: It's like living with your grandfather, judgmental and grumpy, but he sees love on the wing, lets Craig have some alone time with Sophie, and tells him he'll come back one day, yes, he'll come back...

The Second Doctor: Waking Craig up at all hours of the night with his recorder, making an absolute mess of his room, and wondering why his flat mate is wearing pants. Splits his own while trying to play football.

The Third Doctor: "My dear chap, this refrigerator is absolutely empty of all nutritional and gastronomical value!" At least Craig doesn't have to worry about getting car rides to places; the Doctor is more than obliging. But those UNIT parties have got to stop.

The Fourth Doctor: "This is a very nice flat, probably." About the same on the eccentricity-meter, but doesn't notice the shy love affair brewing in his midst. Keeps turning down the heat because he's dying under all that wool.

The Fifth Doctor: Hopes Craig's pub league is cricket, and sorry Craig and Sophie, ABSOLUTELY NO HANKY PANKY IN THE FLAT!!!

The Sixth Doctor: Bit garish. Bit arrogant. But it's the nightly bickering with Peri trapped in the TARDIS that really wears Craig down. And needing a thesaurus handy. The Silent in the attic gets a cutting death pun.

The Seventh Doctor: Prepared the note in the window and the old uncle's convenient will some time in a previous incarnation and is only now getting to it.

The Eighth Doctor: The note in the window is the only clue as to his identity, because he's caught amnesia again. Accidentally kisses Sophie, but it all works out in the end.

The War Doctor: The house is a secret front of the Time War, and the Black TARDIS a terrible weapon developed by a time sensitive race wanting to get in on the action. Walks in, gets things done, doesn't get involved in Craig's personal life. Maybe Craig doesn't get out of this alive.

The Ninth Doctor: Doesn't do domestic. When forced to, sulks in his room a lot, but admires Craig and Sophie having a normal, ordinary life. The black mold spells out Bad Wolf for no reason.

The Tenth Doctor: Puts his foot in it about Craig and Sophie. And kisses her. And shouts at way more of Craig's clients. He's sorry, so sorry. On the bright side, the comic strip teaches us he's good at football too.

The Twelfth Doctor: Craig opens door. Smash cut to furious eyes. See you next week.