From: Adventure Comics #259 (April 1959)
In a story so terrible I had to check who was to blame (Otto Binder), Superboy spots a kryptonite meteor crash on a deserted island and brings his crew of Superboy robots to learn how they should act when exposed to Green K.
Dangerous? Silly? Stupid? (Why not just use the robots to make people believe he DOESN'T have a Green K allergy so they stop making Green K weapons?) All of these. And then it gets worse when a random bolt of lightning in an otherwise clear sky zaps the meteor and pours all the Green K radiation into Superboy's eyes and changes his physiology so that now he has DIAMOND VISION. Here's how that works:
That's right, anything he looks at is turned into diamond. And it affects the robots' vision too, even though that doesn't make sense, so after all that hard work teaching them to act like him (because A.I. is apparently easier to do than programming), he has to throw them into the sea because they can't be trusted to not open their eyes. Dumb machines.
Well don't worry, Superboy can use his other senses to guide himself home, specifically the voice of Lana's pet parrot, and from her house, it's just a step and a stumble to his own. Once there, "Dad Kent" and "Mom Kent" (???) are horrified that he's just stopped by for a bandage to cover his eyes and that he goes right back on patrol. He certainly wasn't expecting that sunspot activity would create static in SOUND WAVES, making him as deaf as he is blind, and he almost collides with a plane, then bumps into one of Smallville's skyscrapers (???). The only choice is exile to a place where there are no people: The Sargasso Sea. Which in the DC Universe seems to be a real death trap for ships who apparently don't use maps to navigate. Superboy chooses the S.S. Science as a home, because its (full-stocked????) lab might be useful in finding a solution to his problem. EXCEPT YOU'RE BLIND, IDIOT!!!
It's dumb just to try. At this point, you're within your rights to remind me this is supposed to be a Krypto feature. Well, the lonely Superboy does reminisce about his super-dog (origin retold for the first time, it's historic!) and calls him from space with a super-whistle.
The fact the story follows up with Superboy and the leashed Krypto stopping short of saving a blimp because they're too staticky and Science dictates they could blow up the historically accurate helium balloons is absurd in the context of your stupid whistling that can travel the vacuum of space, Mr. Binder!!!
But you know how dogs need to be trained for a long time before they can become seeing-eye personnel? Well, Krypto is a pretty disobedient canine to begin with, and when he telescopically spies a fossil exhibit, and drags Superboy through a mountain to get at some stale giant bones. The only thing that could divert Krypto's attention is cats - even though he's yet to meet a single feline in these adventures - so Superboy grabs two circus tigers by the tail...
MUST I GO ON?! Well, this whole incident has "reminded" Superboy of the Tiger Gang in Metropolis (huh?!), bank robbers who are this close to being furries for no real reason. Cue the adventures of Superboy in Metropolis, disguised as a blind man, with Krypto asleep at home and Dad Kent hanging out a block away, apparently near a phone. But how will Dad know when to call the cops?
We should all learn Morse code, guys. Back in Smallville, Lana is decorating for the school dance, and Clark's promised to help. But his eyes! He makes special contact lenses out of diamond - WHILE SIGHTLESS! - and has Krypto blow at balloons that are the color she asks for.
Good thing Kryptonian dogs aren't color-blind! As the page count is exhausted, Krypto decides enough is enough and drags his master back to the ocean to show him the robots are no longer turning stuff into diamond. Oh salt water cures it. Oh. Well, Krypto indeed deserves a giant bone.
Otto Binder, however, does not.
Comments
It does not.