You Shall Not Pass, Charlie Brown

It's been 15 years this week since Peter Jackson unleashed the first film in his Lord of the Rings trilogy (and 14 since The Two Towers, 13 since The Return of the King), and we were talking about it the other day at a Christmas party, and somebody superimposed the Charlie Brown piano music over the conversation and we suddenly imagined Frodo's quest completely scored with that kind of bouncy jazz until the One Ring indeed falls into the Mount Doom. So in the Peanuts version of The Lord of the Rings, who's who?

Obviously, Charlie Brown has to be Frodo. It's his story. He's the one being tormented and pushed. The one inspired by his idol (baseball great Joe Shlabotnik/Bilbo). The one sad-walking to a place called Mount DOOM.

That makes Sam Linus. That's pretty clear. Just wait 'til he gets an Elven blanket.

Gandalf is Snoopy. He's the magical one who hangs out with Eagles (I mean, Woodstock), fights the Red Baron (who is surely Saruman), and gets Charlie Brown into trouble. Shadowfax is the dog house, of course.

For Merry and Pippin, I'd go with Sally and the curly-haired and conceited Frieda. I think the attitudes fairly match up.

The rough and tough but wise hero of the Fellowship, Aragorn, can only be played by Peppermint Patty, who plays a similar role in Chuck's life.

Lucy Van Pelt is the group's Boromir, always wanting to take the Ring/Football away from Charlie Brown. She's much better at it than Boromir was. If we were following the family trees, I know that would make Linus Faramir and all that, but role is more important than genetics, I think.

For the two opposites Gimli and Legolas, what bout Pig-Pen and Marcie? Or Shroeder? Whichever intellectual character gets to be the main elf, the other will be Elron. And Galadriel in all this? The Little Red-Haired Girl of course.

We need villains. Obviously, the RingWraiths have trombone voices instead of piercing screams in the Peanuts version. Their boss, Sauron, well by the look of him, he's the Kite-Eating Tree, a towering presence always eating up Frodo's hopes and dreams (and too evil to be an Ent). Golum I sort of want to give to the Cat Next Door, at first unseen, but a treacherous ruiner at heart. I really want the Great Pumpkin in this too, so... the Balrog?

I left some roles open - the poor Rohan - and maybe you'd like to recast some of the above. Have at it, that's what comments sections are for.