"The Million-Year-Old Teen-Ager" is just what it sounds like: Bob Haney not really knowing what "teen" means. Or just possibly, the story of a teenage cave-boy trapped in mud back in the stone age, revived today and going to high school. It's Degrassi meets Encino Man.Poor Garn, he has trouble fitting in, and what's more, a mutant neanderthal with a magic axe also got trapped with him (I can't say frozen, this appears to take place next to a desert... and a wooded area... and caves... and farm land... and a canyon... and a river running through the desert...). Hell, just learning English must've been a struggle.
"You're strictly from Squaresville if you don't put down the drags... like you're cubed, but def!" "Are you sure that is English, Penny?" I'm not sure what language that is (Bob Hanese?), but at least he got himself a girlfriend. And that's how the Titans get involved. They're hanging out in their secret meeting place, so secret, the narrator won't tell us where it is. Like who were we gonna tell? Wonder Girl is dancing the frug with her magic lasso, cuz the boys want to - gasp! - read. What can I tell ya, it was a different time.A time when teenagers read and the frug was a dance. Unlikely as that may all seem today.
Robin's reading the Titans' "help mail" and though it's mostly stuff like "Can Kid-Flash disguise himself as me and make me win the track meet?", Penny's story about her cave-boyfriend intrigues them, so they're off. Immediately attacked by the "million-year-old king-sized mutant with only havoc on his pea-sized brain", it's a lot of the usual action, with Wonder Girl pulling the boys out of danger with her flight-lasso combo, and then something awsome happens. Let's set this up:
The mutant has Robin by the leg, and all that's saving him from a ripped-off leg and/or a fall down a chasm is the human chain that leads to Wonder Girl hanging on to a tree on the other side.
"I'm trying Aqualad, but my hands are too small to get a good grip!" That settles it, the Titans do not advocate even Abstinence Plus. Wait til you're married, kids! But before she slips...
Awsomeness! Wonder Girl saves the Titans with her ponytail. Ring-a-ding-ding indeed. That SO made my day.After the shampoo commercial, the mutant is distracted by Garn, everybody falls in the river, the mutant uses his axe as a helicopter rotor to slow himself down, he slams into a dam and drowns (sorry "is buried", like that's any less of a violent end) and the townsfolk learn a valuable lesson about not judging people on their halting speech patterns. Same old, same old.
But the ponytail... The ponytail is gonna stay with me for a long time.
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