It's the Thing in the lead at 2-1... But here's Round 4!In the black corner... 24 pages of pure madness starring Batman and Metamorpho, written by Bob Haney and drawn by Mike Sekowski and Mike Esposito, Brave and the Bold #68, Alias the Bat-Hulk!
And in the orange corner... 19 pages of hits and punches starring the Thing and the Sub-Mariner, written by Steve Gerber and drawn by Gil Kane and Joe Sinnott, Marvel Two-in-One #2, Manhunters from the Stars!
Without further ado... DING DING DING!
The Stars
Well, this is in the infamous Bat-Hulk issue, isn't it? Batman spends half the issue as a huge hulking monster that can throw fireballs. The 60s were a different time when storylines could be silly and Marvel didn't have an army of lawyers.
At least he's not green. Batman gets turned into this cackling criminal monster by some very special chemicals indeed. The rest of the time, he's himself, which doesn't mean he performs that well. He crashes the Batmobile once again, and no Whirly-Bat. He does show up in the "Flying Bat-Cave", a large helicopter whose name signals the whereabouts of his actual HQ. Not smart.
And here's a lesson in stealth from the Dark Knight....
Batman crawling on his hands and knees. And he gets caught. Oh Batman... You're worse than the Bat-Hulk. If your alter ego didn't squeeze Metamorpho in toothpaste, I'd have no reason to give you even +1 bat-point.We pick up the Thing where we left him, at least emotionally. He may be in New York, but he's feeling sorry for himself. Seeing the Man-Thing has reminded him of how ugly HE is. (Gee, I would have thought it'd be the opposite.) We find out he doesn't like the Human Torch's taste in movies, and he's prone to destroying NYC property as a way of venting his frustration. Again, he gets into a big stupid brawl, though at least he doesn't start it. Not great, but an extra point for throwing a mean punch:
That looks like it really hurts. +3 pointsThe Guests
Metamorpho's presence is largely unncessary to the plot, which is a shame. He's a Haney creation, so maybe that's all that was on hand. Rex Mason has some cool powers, and there are some interesting moments when he fights the Bat-Hulk. At one point, he throws magnesium fibers at the Hulk, but the creature melts them and... Well, see for yourself.
Yeeesh. Tangled up in a dummy of yourself. That's the creepiest game of twister I've ever seen. Otherwise, the Element Man does fairly well for himself, reenergizing himself with electricity, literally springing into action, etc. Kind of a shame they won't let him inside the car though, huh? +4 bat-pointsNamor the Sub-Mariner is the credited guest-star here, but his metal bikini-wearing cousin Namorita is here too. Yeah, sounds like the perfect outfit to go swimming in. Anyway, Namorita plays a greater part in the team-up than Namor does, as she discovers a mysterious stranger on the shores of Hydrobase and gives him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Namorita... If you enjoy it this much, you're probably doing it wrong. At the point in his life, Namor is wearing his black disco outfit (now with wings!) and doing something (sinister?) on Hydrobase. Maybe planning a Star Trek convention, I dunno. When the stranger wakes up and runs away, he's convinced by his cousin to follow and make sure he is safe and so winds up fighting the Thing for no real reason. +4 pointsThe Villains
The Riddler, the Penguin AND the Joker? It's all of Batman's greatest foes in one go, and just in time to advertize the Adam West movie. Well, ok, there's a marketing ploy in there (the original comic even had an ad for the film), but really, it's the big three and they're all doing what they were meant to. The Riddler leaves a clue, the Penguin flies with his umbrella and commits a bird-related crime, and the Joker has a prank. A pretty weird one at that:
So Batman didn't notice his stickshift was hairy until it was too late? Anyway, they do what they do best. Expect their plan to turn Batman into a superstrong monster who shoots lava to "get him out of the way". That's just stupid. +5 bat-pointsThe Thing doesn't really get villains per se. He gets a threat. That threat? Wundarr the Aquarian. Imagine if Jor-El sent his baby to Earth, but Krypton never blew. Now imagine the rocket had crash-landed in a Florida Swamp and not been found. Further imagine that baby Kal-El grew to adulthood inside that thing, busted out, thought his mother was the Man-Thing, and now had all his usual powers, but the mind of a child. That's Wondarr. He's a Gerber creation that the writer will force down our throats for the next few issues. I don't even know what he's trying to say about Superman, but it is a direct parody/take-off, what with the Dakkamites (just like Daxamites) coming back for him and supplying an added "threat": The Mortoid!
A giant robot assassin that manages to be totally destroyed in about 3 panels. Trashed! At least Wundarr knows how to pointlessly throw taxicabs around. +3 pointsOdds vs. Ends
From Brave and the Bold:
Haney as narrator is a real hoot. He spends the first few pages warning Batman not to go out into the naked city tonight. It's like being live at a puppet show. "NOOOOO. Look behind you! BEHIND YOU!!!" +2 bat-points
The Bat-Hulk keeps referring to itself as a "chemical pheenom". -1 bat-point
The Batman signal is transformed, for the duration, into a Bat-Hulk signal. Basically just the shadow of a fat guy in a cape and cowl. +1 bat-point
The guys with hoods in the crawling Batman picture are Simon Stagg's private guards. Just how he's supposed to look like an honest businessmen with employees dressed like hate-mongers, I don't know. But it's stylish henchman gear! +1 bat-point
Stupid Batmobile button of the month: The anti booby-trap circuit.
Why would you ever switch it off? -1 bat-pointThis is the second comic I catch Haney plugging that piece of trivia about passenger pigeons being extinct. Time to read another book, Bob! -1 point
Another Deus ex machina, I'm afraid. Batman is turned to normal when he's hit by lightning. I'd call that a LITERAL Deus ex machina. -3 bat-points
You know, it's too bad they didn't Amalgamate Batman and the Hulk back during Marvel vs. DC. I understand the pressure was on to match Batman with someone cool, but it's not like he really has anything in common with Wolverine or Nick Fury. And the Hulk's Amalgamation with Solomon Grundy? Sure, I see it, but it was really sidelining a major Marvel character. As uncool as Bat-Hulk is here, seeing him there would have been ultra-cool. But that's not Haney's fault. ±0 bat-points
From Marvel Two-in-One:
Pet peeve #1: Steve Gerber doesn't seem interesting in the Thing or doing a team-up book. He's more interested in advancing his characters' stories. Man-Thing last month. Wundarr this month (and the months following). I find his Two-in-One to be an insincere effort in that sense. I'm reading 2-in-1 for Ben Grimm and the guest-star (here, the Namor Family), not Steve's two-bit Superman clone. -3 points
Pet peeve #2: Team-up stories that just devolve into a mindless bar brawl. I don't mind the co-stars fighting, but I'd like there to be a reason for it. -2 points
While Gil Kane and Joe Sinnott are good artists, they're having a little trouble scaling the Thing. He's nowhere near as big as he should be, or has the Sub-Mariner gained weight?
-1 pointMore on the Superman rip-off? I don't mind that kind of thing, really, but when a woman sees Wundarr flying in and says "Look - up in the sky!" Ben says: "If that isn't the corniest line I ever..." Guys, if you're gonna steal your competition's concepts, don't diss them on top of it. -1 point
Farewells and Scoring
That's the second time in a row B&B has ended with the GCPD paddywaggon driving away. This time however, Batman gets a handshake from his guest-star.
Good friends, good times, good beer. +2 bat-pointsDon't forget, true believers: We're scoring the Thing on how UNfriendly his farewell his. And it doesn't get any worse than this:
Namor and Namorita just leave him holding the dog turd and fly off into the sunset. Look at the time, really gotta go, you deal with it. I dunno, maybe you could ask Daredevil for help. Ta! +3 pointsScoring the round, Metamorpho gets an 10, and Sub-Mariner a... 6! He's all wet! Ladies and gents, we're back to a tie. 2 to 2 and the fight goes on...
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