Fashion Nightmares: Marvel Universe 1

I promised to rummage through the Marvel Universe's closet, and I'm making good on that promise using Marvel Universe Deluxe #1. If it'd been published in the mid-90s, I probably could have just scanned in the entire issue, but it's just 1985 and all is right with the world.

Almost.

Case in point: Aurora. The Quebec speedster had a perfectly good costume. Classic black and white, right down to the highlights in her hair. Truthfully? She was damned hot.

But then she decided to distance herself from her twin brother and went to stylist John Byrne for a makeover.
You know, it's a lot like that time my mom came home with an afro (it did NOT look good on a French Canadian white woman). The "sophisticated" haircut and earrings certainly scream out "superhero", don't they? Yeah, no. A cocktail party, maybe. I don't even want to talk about the gaudy figure skater uniform. Sadly, this would not be the worst thing Aurora has worn.

Next up on the list of criminals (fashion criminals, I mean) is Arcade. He's chosen a look that's part Jimmy Olsen, part Colonel Sanders, part rodeo clown, and all terrible.

I've been deriding Wundarr in my Two-in-One reviews as he's perhaps the most awful comic book character ever created. MU has him in his Aquarian guise where he's gone totally Jesus with the beard and storyline.

Brazen man-cleavage and the kind of sleeves that are asking to get caught in machinery leading to Ben Grimm identifying his mangled corpse, and yet he can't do the "Live long and prosper" hand sign appropriately. Will he NEVER gain my respect?

Being part of an organization in the Marvel Universe means sharing the burden of bad fashion. Take A.I.M., for example. (Aren't I a delightful punster?) Advanced Idea Mechanics used all their marketing cash on the cool acronym and had nothing left for the duds. So here they are, an evil cadre of scientists who wear canary yellow jumpsuits with puffy sleeves and a beekeeper's hat. If they worked for DC's H.I.V.E., maybe!

(That's a big maybe.)

I won't touch Batroc ze Leaper. He's the golden boy of the blogosphere, twirled moustache and all. The members of his Brigade are fair game however, especially Zaran the Weapons Master. Where do I start? The red ponytail? The mask that simulates a thick Franz-Josef moustache? The clothes-pins holding down the chest piece (if that can be considered a chest piece)? That red spaghetti strand that acts as a belt/garotte/skiproap?


Couldn't he hold even more weapons if he had a shirt with, maybe, I dunno, POCKETS? Which reminds me...

BONUS: MARVEL UNIVERSE FASHION TREND

In this single issue of MU Deluxe, there is an inordinate amount of bare-chested male characters. Probably something started by the Hulk and pioneered by Ben Grimm, by 1985, bare-chestedness has become nothing short of a phenomenon.

And you know what? I didn't even show them all. 10 years later, and it'll be all trenchcoats and thigh belts and LAYERS, so enjoy the beefcake while it lasts, ladies.

This Fashion Trend has been approved by Shirtless Kirk!


4 comments:

Bass said...

Ya know... when you see these... things... these awful... things. (my bad impression of Cap.Kirk) You start to think that a big old year long crossover story line and killing off a bunch of characters... might not be a bad thing after all.

Then again... what would bloggers bitch about.

Ahhhh forgot... Red Tornado is always around if ya need a punching bag.

Bass

Siskoid said...

We'd bitch about who got killed off and how.

De said...

Not only is Armadillo shirtless, he's also pantsless!

Siskoid said...

Well, if you check the other Fashion Nightmares, there's always at least one naked dude in there.

 

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