Amalgam Month: Assassins Strike Back

DC vs. Marvel sucked. I won't pull any punches. It outright sucked. Not only were the match-ups decided on popularity against all common sense (i.e. my opinion), but who you got to fight didn't make any sense. I mean, if Captain America and Batman were matched, how come they didn't get Amalgamated? Because they weren't true matches, that's why!

Now the Amalgamated Jordan Quesadio presents: Every true match-up from... Assassins. And may the best universe win.

Catwoman vs. ElektraCatwoman pros: A Batman icon. Once played by Julie Newmar. Stars in an underrated series. Solid cat burglar concept. Julie FREAKIN' Newmar! Catwoman cons: Once drawn with a rack that would prevent her from walking upright.
Elektra pros: Created and then killed by Frank Miller. Once played by Jennifer Garner. Uses the weapons and colors of Raphael, my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Elektra cons: Brought back by someone other than Frank Miller. Greek ninja not as clear a concept.
Win: DC vs. Marvel gave the match to Elektra (the "sandbox incident"), but no way. Newmar trumps Garner every time. 1-0 DC.

Deathstroke vs. Daredevil
Deathstroke pros: As "Slade" in Teen Titans cartoon, one kickass villain. Deathstroke cons: DC should never have gotten into the whole anti-hero genre.
Daredevil pros: Blind and still fighting. Destitute and still fighting. Played by Ben Affleck and still fighting. Daredevil cons: None that I can see. (See what I did there?)
Win: Unfortunately for Deathstroke, he's not Slade. And only Slade might have had the fighting prowess to beat Daredevil. No eyes beats one eye any day. Hey Deathstroke, Schwartzenneger called. He wants his nickname back. 1-1 all.

Deadshot vs. Bullseye
Deadshot pros: A stone cold killer. Suicide Squad's greatest survivor despite having a death wish. That mask. That dry wit. Deadshot cons: Forgettable as a Batman villain. Original costume included a top hat.
Bullseye pros: A stone cold killer. That scene where he killed Elektra but left the back of her tank top intact. Death by paperclip. Bullseye cons: Fixed with killing Daredevil's girlfriends. Recruited by Iron Man for the Thunderbolts. I guess that's an Iron Man con.
Win: A really tough choice, but you'll excuse me for calling it for Deadshot. You might survive a lead pencil, but not a bullet. 2-1 DC.

Cheetah vs. Kraven the Hunter
Cheetah pros: Her costume is no costume at all. Cheetah cons: Nowhere near as cool as the Legion of Doom Cheetah.
Kraven pros: He's the ultimate hunter. Kraven's Last Hunt still seminal reading. Kraven cons: Took the coward's way out.
Win: Gotta be Kraven, even from beyond the grave. He's the greatest hunter there is, and Cheetah is just game. 2-2 all.

Manhunter vs. Cable
Oh God. Do I have to choose one? Whoever wins, we lose!
Win: Cable wins by virtue of his longevity since he's still around. For some reason. 3-2 Marvel.

Jimmy Olsen vs. Ben Urich
Jimmy pros: An icon of the Silver Age. Has had more powers than your average H-Dial holder. Best friends with Superman. Jimmy cons: Superman happens to be an ass. His fashion sense. Stars in Countdown.
Urich pros: Most respected journalist at the Daily Bugle. Played by Joey Pants in the movie. Found out Daredevil was Matt Murdock. Urich cons: Everyone and their brother's found out Daredevil is Matt Murdock. Smoker.
Win: How are we judging this? By journalistic ability? Drinking contest? I'm betting Urich throws in the towel when he sees Jimmy's stack of old comics. Hey, life's too short to participate in these stupid contests. 3-3 all.

THREE-WAY FINALE: Riddler vs. Kingpin vs. Tobias Whale
Riddler pros: One of Batman's big three. Has Doctor Who's walking stick. Riddler cons: His Super-Powers action figure is a repainted Hal Jordan.
Kingpin pros: Destroyed Matt Murdock's life. It's not fat, it's pure muscle. Kingpin cons: His personnel turnover is murder.
Tobias Whale pros: You're kidding, right? Tobias Whale cons: Called names behind his back. Archenemy of Black Lightning. This time, it IS fat.
Win: Tobias Whale isn't even a contender. After the Kingpin crushed the Riddler in his fist, he came in and told me to put his name down for the win. I've seen him kill his own bodyguards. I'm not arguing the point. 4-3 Marvel.

So after one Round, Marvel wins. Congratulations Marvel! You win the right to publish Daredevil and Elektra. Sorry DC, no more Catwoman or Deathstroke the Terminator! Them's REAL stakes!

10 comments:

Teebore said...

I don't know, Riddler as one of Batman's big three? I've always considered his big three as the Joker, Two-Face and Ra's, at least thematically (Other Side of the Coin, Friend-turned-villain, and Dark Reflection).

You could make a case for Catwoman as one of the big three, if you count her as a villain instead of anti-hero/hero/misguided ally. But I don't know if I'd put Riddler up there.

Btw, thanks for letting Daredevil take down Deathstroke. He needed that one.

Siskoid said...

Call me old-fashioned but the Big Three for me are Joker, Penguin and Riddler.

Catwoman is in a league of her own...

De said...

I think Dave Campbell might disagree with you about the Terminator-Daredevil fight :) One other thing against Terminator is that he slept with jailbait - namely Terra.

Siskoid said...

Haha, if Dave wants to impose his will here, he's gonna have to start posting more than once a week! (Oh! He didn't go there! Why yes he did!)

;)

I dunno. I just have thing against orange and blue costumes. Dude looks like the Taskmaster to me.*

*Taskmaster is cool though.

Anonymous said...

Hey, is that Deadshot any good? I saw one once and didn't buy it. Also, Marvel V. DC gave Elektra that one. Nearly as bad as the Aquaman victory.

I agree that Deadshot deserved the win.

Siskoid said...

They did?

I think I can be forgiven for not going back to the relevant issue, but now that you mention it, there was a sandbox involved, wasn't there? Humiliating.

I've edited the post appropriately, thanks.

As for the Deadshot figure, it looks da bomb, but I don't have one. Christmas list people, CHRISTMAS LIST!

De said...

That Deadshot figure is 18 shades of awesome! Too bad he runs a bit of a premium now. Grr. Argh.

killermoth said...

I'd definitely go with Joker, Pengy and Riddler too. Two-Face and Ra's don't even have Slurpee cups.

Siskoid said...

I do have the Bullseye figure (not the one pictured, the ToyFare mail-in exclusive) and it's pretty shoddy. On of his legs keeps popping out at the knee.

Not sure about the head (though it's a simple mask, easy to pain circles on it), but the body is definitely the Punisher's, with the skull's teeth turned into a big-ass belt.

Siskoid said...

If we were talking about BATGIRL's Big Three, however, it would start and end with Killer Moth.

 

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