Opposites Attack!

The big frustration when it comes to the Silver Age Bizarro World (aside from the illiterate syntax) is that "opposite" doesn't really mean "opposite". Despite everything we're told about Bizarro World, it never quite lives up to its code:Let's just grab a couple handful of panels from the Tales of the Bizarro World collection at random just to see how "opposites" actually play out. For example, the Bizarro calendar.
Well, right away, we have a problem. How is New Year's the opposite of Valentine's Day? Seems like they should have an Old Year's Day to go with a backwards going calendar. And Bizarros should celebrate St. Elizabeth of Portugal's Day (July 4th), patron saint of war, with an exchange of weapons.

Bizarro Loiseses go to an ugliness parlor, yes, that sounds good. Bizarros want to see dull movies and their misbehavior is rewarded. This is generally a panel I can get behind. What about those movies though?
Watching the negative, cheering on the bad guys (to acts of cowardice, no less), yes, again, Jerry Siegel worked it out well.
After the movies, they get some cold dogs, frozen fresh right there on the street in an ice bucket. However, I'm pretty sure it should be cold CATS and have a split sausage with a piece of bread inside. Wait, what's the opposite of sausages?

Vehicles can go on a red light and must stop on a green light. Outrageous! But shouldn't Lois be rewarded? Quick question about 1961: Is Siegel pulling a fast (sexist) one by implying that women drive exclusively on Bizarro World?
Car washes in fact, are car dirties. Not everything is marked correctly, it seems.

Is the opposite of toys, broken toys? (Or Santa, Bad Santa?) I also find it highly suspect that a cactus should be the opposite of a Christmas tree (or spruce). On the one hand, one is associated with snow and cold, and the other with hot, arid deserts. That would work. But both have needles, so they're actually similar! Oh what to do? The opposite of a tree could actually be a flower, or a blade of grass, or lichen, or a fluffy animal. And if the opposite of Christmas is Good Friday (birth vs. death of Christ), then I don't want to know what kind of Pontius Pilate Santa should be coming up the sewers.

Raising kids:
Despite the ridiculous sleeping arrangements, one thing seems constant between Bizarro World and Earth-Prime, and that's babies giving their parents sleepless nights. Very much not opposite, but I suppose DC Comics didn't want to feature parents abusing their children by sleeping through their incessant laughing. I want to see what they leave in their diapers. Just as a point of interest.

There are tons of examples to sift through, and sometimes they follow the Bizarro code, and sometimes they don't. I mean, why SHOULD Bizarro Lois go swimming in an evening gown? Is it that by virtue of Miss America official rules, the gown is the opposite of the swimsuit?
Thanks Bizarro Lois. I guess that answer can be used for everything.


Juan Arteaga said...

> Wait, what's the opposite of
> sausages?

Vagina, which would make sense if you call'em "cold cats." But I am afraid that's a door neither DC or Siegel are willing to open.

Sea-of-Green said...

>>Wait, what's the opposite of sausages?<<

Haggis. :-)

Siskoid said...

I was thinking bacon.

De said...

The "joy" of the Bizarro World is that they don't even adhere to their own code. It's bizarre I tell you!

Anonymous said...

" Is Siegel pulling a fast (sexist) one by implying that women drive exclusively on Bizarro World?"

The men can fly, can't they? Why would they drive?

(Of course, by Bizarro logic, they should probably be burrowing through the ground.)

Anonymous said...

> Wait, what's the opposite of sausages?

How about a healthy tofu "bun" and a bread stick inside.

Do Bizarro children think that nutritious snacks are "treats"? Does that mean they eat junk food all the time? (Wait, no, that's on OUR Earth. Ouch.)

Nik said...

I always loved the chilling bit in Alan Moore's "Whatever Happened To The Man of Tomorrow" where Bizarro takes the opposites to the nihilist extreme -- "And you alive, so me..."


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