Epic Fail: Superman Grounded

"You will believe a man can fly."

"It's a bird, it's a plane..."

Yeah. Not so much.

I know the Internet has done a good job of slamming the coffin shut on J. Michael Straczynski's new Superman storyline, in which the Man of Steel walks across America in order to connect with regular people, but I can't help myself. I want to add my nail to the job. Now, I think my good blog buddy Snell did an excellent job identifying what's wrong with the Superman #701, but as I read it, I found even more to object to. I won't cover the same exact ground, so here's what Snell had to say:
Superman sends a child to his death
Superman: Uncooperative smartass
Pruning the supporting cast out of the book
Superman damages city property and other crimes
A tin ear to racial politics
And on Hero Press: What's wrong with the media's representation?

You'd think that'd be all, but no... Here are a further 10 things that don't make any damn sense:

1. In Superman #700, Superman returns to Metropolis after an extended stay on New Krypton. It's obvious that he missed Lois, and while he can't promise never to leave again because of "the life", it doesn't seem right that he would take off again so soon to do some soul-searching. Never mind that he's escaping responsibilities like his JOB and his WIFE, which isn't like Superman, but it feels completely wrong in the timeline. No wonder he looks so sad.

2. The big shocker that he's been "disconnected" from the common man comes from a woman upset that he wasn't around to save a man from his brain tumor. Is this something Superman does A LOT? Surgery? In the Silver Age/All-Star universe, maybe. In the so-called real world, I don't think I'd let a superhero open my head up and shoot heat beams into it. JMS' arc isn't just a trip across America, it's a GUILT trip. Fun, eh?

3. Let's get down to some of the practicals of this "walk across America", keeping in mind that the whole point is to reconnect with the common man. Why does he walk at night?
Will he be walking down deserted highways too? I bet he will. How many common men and women are you bound to reconnect with on long stretches of road? Wouldn't it be better to spend a good part of your day in some new city, town or rural area, then return home to the wife at night? Like a tour with no overnights. Surely, there's a better way to schedule a trip like this when you've superspeed.

4. And about that reconnecting... Superman hasn't been so alien and aloof since the Eradicator took him over in the Last Son of Krypton storyline 20 years ago. He speaks in riddles. He makes sermons and walks away. He just hovers there and watches you. And he seems completely unable to relate to the common man. He's gone and become CREEPY.
5. So there's the bit where he tells the kid to give the drug dealers a message for him... Aside from Snell's points on this matter, there's another question I've been asking myself: Why doesn't he arrest them? He sets their crack house on fire and promises to return once a week to see if they're still operating. If they are, he burns them (and the evidence) down again. "They'll just start over somewhere else," he's told. That's ok, as long as it's not here, is his response. So instead of taking these guys in, you're allowing them to run free and terrorize some OTHER neighborhood? So now we have two victimized neighborhoods where we used to have only one. If they move to someone else's turf, we can expect a gang war, and nobody ever gets in the crossfire of that.

6. 701 also includes the worst "talking down from a ledge" scene ever. Snell has already talked about how wrong-headed this all is (keeping emergency services there, destroying city property, talking about people he thinks should be dead in a fair world, and allowing lots of bad stuff to go down while he hovers there - what if somebody has a brain tumor or something?!), but it also shows JMS' poor understanding of clinical depression. Superman tells her that if she can't possibly imagine another happy day in her life, to go right ahead and jump. She's suicidal. She's clearly distraught. She didn't go up there on a whim. Can she REALLY see another happy (not endurable, HAPPY) day in her future? It's my understanding that someone who is truly depressed is unable to see that happy day, and that's the point. You could counter that in all that time, she didn't jump, so it was all a big cry for attention. Maybe, but then Superman's a bit slow on the uptake if he stays with her all night and does nothing. Bring her down already. Take her with you as you help people. Give her a lesson in hope through deeds. But of course, that might be interesting.

7. Either way, the suggestion JMS makes that Superman would have let her fall if she had taken the leap is a measure of how little he understands the character's appeal.
Way to reconnect with those common cops!

8. How's he planning to pay for this trip? The one charming scene in the book is the one where he does odd jobs to pay for lunch because he doesn't have much money. So he just took off without thinking. Way to reconnect with the common man. Tip: Unlike most superheroes, we have money issues. It's like Clark suddenly forgot he was raised as a human being by human parents and has lived a human life with a job, and girl trouble and everything.

9. There's no actual reconnecting with people (if I even accept the thesis that he's disconnected from humanity, which I actually don't). He walks by a house, tells you what's wrong with your engine or your health, and moves on. "Gotta go! Lots more people to reconnect with! Sorry I can't stay and reconnect with you!" It's the equivalent of a hand-shaking tour, but won't remember a single face or name. It's a publicity stunt, a photo op, something Superman shouldn't have time for. If he REALLY wanted to connect with humanity, why not do so as Clark Kent? Why not go down to Bibbo's or work on his mother's farm for the summer? If he were doing it for himself, that could work, but he's obviously doing it for his IMAGE, and that's wrong.

10. It's also a publicity stunt in our world because it looks like a thinly veiled reason to bring Superman to YOUR town. It doesn't seem like the DC Universe's mythical cities are on the tour at all. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but it does take Superman out of the DCU. Then again, it's ok if this isn't the DCU, because this isn't Superman.