Reign of the Supermen #455: Superman III, Lana Lang's Husband
Source: Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane #36 (1962) Type: Imaginary story
This IMAGINARY story, which goes out of its way to repeat that it is only IMAGINARY, perhaps because it knows it's complete RUBBISH, tells us what happens to Lana when Superman finally marries Lois Lane. What finally made Superman make up his mind is that he developed a super-serum that could give a normal human Kryptonian powers. He's free to marry Lois and know that she can't be put in jeopardy by evil homewreckers like, say, Dan DiDio. Soon, they've even got a couple kids and atrocious super-pets.
But what about Lana Lang? When she's invited to dinner by the Supers, we find out just how much her entire character was predicated on one day marrying Superman.
"I'll pretend to be gay... happy!" she's quick to add, in case the word takes on new meaning in between the time of writing and when bloggers snicker at it 50 years later. And Lana's real good at not being critical of how Lois runs her household.
Sorry Lois, but gold-plated walls with giant inset jewels is a gaudy, tacky Trading Spaces nightmare. Lois keeps showing off, so I'm with Lana. Dish out the passive-aggressive, girl!
And then the story goes on for a couple more pages about how Lana's heartbroken and everyone knows it. She's asked to narrate Superman's wedding video, and now that Lois is an economy-destroying housewife, it's up to her to report on the Supers' exploits... She can't get away from it. It's to the point where she's pretty much suicidal and ready to try out experimental time machines.
The machine works, of course, but blows up, stranding Lana in a future populated by stovepipe robots and... Superman?
Two strange things about him: He's glowing blue, and he immediately jumps her bones. One of the things I'm most asked about as a Superman blogger (this statement may be IMAGINARY) is how it feels to be kissed by Superman (see Superman II for why Mundanes would ask). Well, here's a play by play:
To her credit, Lana doesn't want to do it with a married man and rebukes him for cheating on Lois. Ahh, but he's NOT Superman. He's Superman III, Superman and Super-Lois' descendant. I'll let him explain.
Yes, because Superman's genetic code is so powerful, he can only beget clones of himself. Screw you, mother's DNA. As for the blue glow, it's caused by a bracelet all males MUST wear in this utopia that makes you glow when you're near your perfect mate. So obviously, he and Lana are made for each other, go directly to the chapel, do not pass Go, do not collect 200$. Lana says yes to his proposal and he gives her some of that super-serum all the girls are raving about.
No, Lana and Narrator. That's not ironic. It is, however, kind of creepy. I vote MAYBE NO.