Spring Cleaning: Role-Playing Cats

Looking through some old files, I found write-ups of various cats - mine included, the rest who had enslaved friends and family - using a long-gone system created by Matt Gwinn. It used to be available free on GeoCities, so it's been gobbled up by the Internet, but I don't think you need it to understand what's going on. I mean, it's clear: You're meant to play cats, or in this case, your own. As cats. Not as some kind of Puss'n'Boots anthropomorphic animal.

These were done in 2001, when my cat was all of one year old. While he's still with us, I realize this will be a bittersweet post for many. We've lost sight of many of these cats. Some have passed away, some ran off, and others had to be given a new home when life's circumstances changed. Still, if you're named here, I thought you might enjoy pouncing down memory lane. If not, how would your cat fare in the role-playing game?

NAME: Gazou
THINKS HE IS CALLED: Cuwey
BREED: American Shorthair. Neutered male. 1 year old.
OWNER OF: Siskoid, Gwen and Eric
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 3
Stamina: 2
Pedigree: 1
Fight/Play: 3
Forage/Hunt: 2
Sense/Perceive: 2
Humans: 8
Human Things: 4
Other Animals: 1
Communication: 1
Special Ability: Empathic Link (Siskoid, Gwen)
Personality Traits: Friendly, Patient, Punctual, Open-minded, Clean, Clumsy, Curious, Lazy, Crybaby, Stupid
Quirks: Goes crazy for condensation. Incapable of clawing human skin. Must wake Siskoid up once a night. Insensate tail.

NAME: Minoune
THINKS SHE IS CALLED: Grosse Toutoune [translates as Big Girl]
BREED: Maine Coon Cat. Neutered female. Indeterminate age.
OWNER OF: Chouine and Izabel
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 6
Stamina: 2
Pedigree: 1
Fight/Play: 2
Forage/Hunt: 2
Sense/Perceive: 2
Humans: 5
Human Things: 2
Other Animals: 1
Communication: 1
Special Ability: Empathic Link (Chouine, Izabel)
Personality Traits: Charming, Caring, Strong, Passionate, Lovable, Punctual, Annoying, Stupid, Fat, Lazy, Hungry, Loud
Quirks: Eats 'til she pukes. Licks you 'til you die. Insists on sleeping on your chest until asphyxiation. When litter is not clean to her satisfaction, will urinate on the bathroom floor. Sheds everywhere.

NAME: Lapin [translates as Rabbit]
THINKS HE IS CALLED: Psssss pssssss pssssss
BREED: American Shorthair. Neutered male. 1 year old.
OWNER OF: Valérie, Ghislain and Mélanie
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 2
Stamina: 3
Pedigree: 1
Fight/Play: 8
Forage/Hunt: 2
Sense/Perceive: 2
Humans: 5
Human Things: 2
Other Animals: 1
Communication: 1
Special Ability: Empathic Link (Valérie, Ghislain)
Personality Traits: Aggressive, Annoying, Jealous, Active, Charming, Humorous
Quirks: Strange acrobatics when he's happy to see you. Doesn't understand that humans might be tired of playing. Sheds hair in the extreme. Likes to bite your toes when you sleep.

NAME: Zucchini (AKA Utini)
THINKS HE IS CALLED: Zucchinner or Zucc
BREED: American Shorthair. Neutered male. 2 years old.
OWNER OF: Mireille
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 3
Stamina: 3
Pedigree: 1
Fight/Play: 4
Forage/Hunt: 3
Sense/Perceive: 3
Humans: 5
Human Things: 2
Other Animals:  1
Communication: 1
Special Ability: (Empathic Link : Mireille)
Personality Traits: Friendly, Lovable, Active, Caring, Annoying, Loud, Cowardly, Clumsy, Crybaby
Quirks: Always flipping so you can scratch his belly. When he's super-happy to see you or to get petted, will drool... enormously. Loud meowing when his water is being filled, then leaves as soon as the dish is back on the ground. Always, always, always wants to be in your arms.

NAME: Q-Tip
THINKS HE IS CALLED: Grosse pétasse [translates as Big Mud]
BREED: American Shorthair. Neutered male. 3 years old.
OWNER OF: Julie [my sister]
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 3
Stamina: 2
Pedigree: 1
Fight/Play: 2
Forage/Hunt: 3
Sense/Perceive: 6
Humans: 4
Human Things: 2
Other Animals:  2
Communication: 2
Special Ability: (Empathic Link : Julie)
Personality Traits: Charming, Loyal, Caring, Patient, Loveable, Optimistic, Considerate, Clean, Stupid, Fat, Sensitive, Lazy, Hungry, Jumpy, Clumsy, Spoiled
Quirks: Likes to hump stuffed animals on which he sexually obsesses. Bowl always mysteriously empty. Too much of a clean freak to bury his own turds.

NAME: Tweezer
THINKS HE IS CALLED: P'tite blette [translates as Small Ferret]
BREED: American Shorthair. Neutered male. 2 years old.
OWNER OF: Julie [still my sister]
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 2
Stamina: 3
Pedigree: 0
Fight/Play: 4
Forage/Hunt: 4
Sense/Perceive: 3
Humans: 5
Human Things: 3
Other Animals:  1
Communication: 3
Special Ability: (Empathic Link : Julie)
Personality Traits: Self-confident, Loveable, Adventurous, Active, Fascinating, Athletic, Free-spirited, Smart, Believable, Outgoing, Creative, Alert, Annoying, Arrogant, Excitable, Demented/Crazy, Cowardly, Loud, Intolerant, Curious, Rebellious, Jumpy, Unpredictable, Spoiled
Quirks: Must awaken Julie every morning at six by face-bunting. Looks like a kitten despite being an adult. Pushes everything to the ground (includes out of the way stuffed animals so as to avoid being humped). Rolls like a crazy person when vigorously scratched.

NAME: Dr. Evil
THINKS HE IS CALLED: Stupid
BREED: American Shorthair. Neutered male. 2 years old.
OWNER OF: Geneviève and Fred
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 2
Stamina: 3
Pedigree: 0
Fight/Play: 3
Forage/Hunt: 2
Sense/Perceive: 2
Humans: 5
Human Things: 4
Other Animals:  1
Communication: 1
Special Ability: (Empathic Link : Geneviève)
Personality Traits: Stupid, Completely stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
Quirks: Hides in boxes in Fred's closet. Pushes garbage cans down. Smokes q-tips. Scratches at doors to get into rooms, doesn't enter when opened. Can play with a bottle cap from 10 PM to 6:30 AM non-stop. (Actual traits probably: Affectionate, Passionate, Active, Stupid, Unpredictable, Disobedient)

NAME: Garfield
THINKS SHE IS CALLED: Freak
BREED: Norwegian Forest. Neutered female. 4 years old.
OWNER OF: Geneviève and Fred
TYPE: House Cat
Size: 3
Stamina: 2
Pedigree: 0
Fight/Play: 0
Forage/Hunt: 0
Sense/Perceive: 0
Humans: 0
Human Things: 0
Other Animals:  1
Communication: 0
Special Ability: (Empathic Link : The sink)
Personality Traits: Clumsy, Crybaby, Stupid, Antisocial, Grumpy, Possessed by the soul of a crack cocain addict (Demented)
Quirks: Can't drink water if it doesn't come directly from the tap or the toilet. Always sleeping. Tries to escape the apartment every time someone opens the door. Climbs on top of the fridge to watch humans from above. Bites Dr. Evil's balls. (Actual skills probably: 1-3-3-1-4-1-1; actual Empathic Link: Maxime; Actual positive traits probably: Free-Spirited, Punctual, Alert, Well-Informed)

Note that the write-ups were submitted by the respective owners. Siskoid's Blog of Geekery does not take responsibility for any feline defamation in the preceding article.

4 comments:

LiamKav said...

"Can't drink water if it doesn't come from the tap or the toilet."

Where else would you be giving your cats water from, if not the tap? Are you flying in water from the river Jordan?

Siskoid said...

I believe its human slaves meant "direct from".

LiamKav said...

Ah, that makes sense. I know a cat that will only drink water if you put it in a small glass tumbler. Anything else, he's not interested.

Siskoid said...

My cat started out the same. In fact, would mostly drink condensation and not from a container. Don't know when it happened, but he eventually accepted the plastic dish.

 

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