The Curmudgeon Wants His Medal

Nitpicking A New Hope from 1:57:40 to 2:00:15
This is the end, beautiful friend, the end. Yes, it's time for EPILOGUES!!!

Vader's Epilogue: Hey, he survives without even a hint of vertigo.
He regains control of his bloated Tie-fighter, and he's off to fight another day. Though Star Wars has a definite ending, this more than anything opens the door to a sequel, and given that he was chumped out by a traffic accident rather than defeated in a duel with any of the heroes, it might suggest Episode IV was never meant to be a complete story. George Lucas has changed the Truth of this so often now, it would take a better historian than I to figure it out.

The Rebel Base Epilogue: One of my favorite bits is how fast C-3PO can clunk towards the X-Wing when he knows his friend's in trouble. Second favorite bit is how freaking HAPPY Luke is that Han came back (maybe we have this romantic triangle all wrong). And of course, while Leia gets to hug Luke first, she's quick to snuggle up to Han when HE shows up.
In the nick of time before Leia and Luke make a co-sanguine mistake they might come to regret, thanks Han. C-3PO's about to sign an organ donor card on the left, but we're told Artoo will be alright, so stop your fussing. Hey kids! Hope you didn't cry your eyes out! If you want to feel sad, feel sad because you were manipulated! And the heroes go skipping off arm in arm like it's the Wizard of Oz or something.
Sorry Chewie. Human only.

The Medal Ceremony Epilogue: Well this one's famous for giving medals to Han and Luke, but not Chewbacca, which is why he's so despondent, presumably.
If you're not human, you don't get a medal. Maybe a good washing if you're a droid, but definitely not a medal. If you're a girl, you give them out, but you don't get one yourself. But hey, if you're the hundreds of loyal Rebels who have been in this fight, like, forever, you don't get a medal either. Only the new guys who just showed up at the last minute. Okay, Luke fired the shot that blew up the Death Star. And Han helped rescue the princess from prison. You need to be more ambitious, nameless Rebel hordes. And human. Definitely be human. Other things to watch out for during the ceremony:
-Leia and Luke share a giggly smile, but when Han smiles at Leia, she all but ignores him. Twice over when he winks at her. Looks like no matter what happens later, Leia was definitely meant to be "Luke's girl".
-Artoo shows up and he's fine, see? Let's all laugh like it's the last 30 seconds of a bad Star Trek episode. Because we're in space! Oh he's so hilarious! (Pff, no BB8.)
-Chewie definitely seems nervous and eager to get a medal in the background when Han gets his. Sad.

There. The original film ends on sadness. And now it returns to its status as That Franchise I Never Talk About (ok, ok, I'll give a capsule review of The Force Awakens on Sunday). My alternate identity as the Curmudgeon had and still has no plans to cover other films in original or prequel trilogies. Episode VII has caused a glut of Star Wars defense and offense articles to be published anyway. And so I lay down my lightsaber and leave you with the proper greeting, which I believe is "Nanu Nanu".

Just in time for you to watch the Star Wars Christmas Special as is, surely, your tradition.

4 comments:

Green Luthor said...

Guess there's not too much left to say here, but I did quite enjoy your recap. You said you might not be so fair to the movie, but, honestly, most of your points were quite valid; I do like all the movies in this series (well, maybe not that animated Clone Wars one), but I can't and won't pretend any of them are perfect, either.

My impression is that Lucas did have a fair amount of additional stories (both past and future) in his head at the time he wrote Star Wars, but also knew he had to make the first one self-contained since it likely wasn't going to be a massive hit. (He even made a bet with Spielberg that Close Encounters of the Third Kind would be the more successful film. Spielberg has earned a *lot* of money off Star Wars thanks to that bet...) But Lucas also changed quite a lot of details by the time he actually got around to making those additional films. (Leigh Brackett's draft of Empire makes it quite explicit that Vader is *not* Luke's father (the question of C-3PO's parentage is left open, though), and, obviously, Luke and Leia being siblings didn't factor into any plans prior to RotJ, either.) At this point, though, there's really no way to ever know for sure what Lucas did or didn't intend at any point (I doubt Lucas himself knows for sure anymore), short of a time machine and telepathy...

I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that EU materials give an explanation as to why Chewbacca didn't get a medal. (Because of course that gets explained.) Apparently, Wookie culture doesn't place importance on things like medals, but he was presented by one later at a private ceremony (where Leia had to stand on a box because she wasn't tall enough to put it around his neck). (I'm also sure the Curmudgeon will be glad to not have to hear "according to the EU" any time soon. Heck, *I'm* glad I don't have to pay heed to the EU...)

And it's not the "Christmas Special", it's the *Holiday* Special! They don't even *have* Christmas in Star Wars! It's for *Life Day*, consarn it! (Which apparently Wookies celebrate by watching porn in their living rooms. And letting coked-up Carrie Fisher sing. And watching bad comedy bits with Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, and Jefferson Starship videos.) (Life Day traditions kinda suck, come to think of it.)

Siskoid said...

Next on FOX: The Star War on Christmas!

Brendoon said...

Back in th' day it was pretty common for the commanding officer of the ship to be awarded (for rescuing princesses from the death star) while the crew gets a brief thankyou. Chewie being a crew of one makes it seem he's singled out, but I don't think it's intentional specieism. Luke was the guy who blew up the death star gets his award, so he gets a medal too. The automaton roboty thingies (it that boty or botty?? I was always taught to double the consonant before adding the y, ed or ing) were part of the gang but weren't in any leadershippy (or shipy? shipy looks dumb) capacity on the mish. Again, I don't think it was intentional "atomatism,".

Back I was depressed I used to glower over how only leaders were celebrated while the people who actually did the work, risked their lives, designed and built things were generally ignored... but I'm over that now. Who cares 'bout it really?

Brendoon said...

BTW, youtube "bad lip reading" of SW, TESB and ROTJ. quite the funniest thing I've seen for ages.

 

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