Canada's Kingsmen - the Woodsmen

Saw the new Kingsman movie last week, and as it introduced the American equivalent in the Statesmen, well, that just got us thinking about other countries' equivalents, in particular, Canada's. Well, for the Great White North, but the Woodsmen!
It makes perfect sense as Canada's own "independent secret service". So how's it work?

The Agents
The Brits are based on the Knights of the Round Table. The Yanks have code names based on drinks. For the Canucks, the structure allows one member per province and territory, and they only take the best. Code names aren't province-based though (not that Saskatchewan isn't a perfectly lovely name, but Northwest Territories is a mouthful), but rather based on trees/types of wood. Oak is the leader, Maple the likely "hero of the story", Bouleau the Quebecker (Birch, when the mantle is passed to an English speaker), Spruce ("Bruce?" "No! Spruce!"), Jack Pine, Chestnut, Redwood, the sexy Pussy Willow, Hickory, etc. making up the rest of the team. Witch-Hazel is the Merlin of the group. Unlike the fancy Kingsmen, the Woodsmen are way more blue-collar, almost all wearing plaid jackets and denim.

The Front
At the end dawn of Canada's history, the secret service went into the lumber business. They operate out of a sawmill, the secret elevator well protected by a rotating blade recruits soon learn the timing to. They make and sell woodcutting and woodworking tools as a sideline. The best crafted in the world.

The Weapons
In addition to unerring sense of direction and fine wilderness survival skills, the Woodsmen carry various axes and saws of choice, according to their abilities and preferences. So while Bouleau might be throwing great big axes around like they're tomahawks, the massive Redwood is all about using the two-man, crosscut saw all by himself. Some of the more modern agents prefer chainsaws and hand-held jigsaws, while Pussy Willow is more subtle with her planes and chisels. Our heroic lumberjacks also use tricked-out trucks, loaders, compasses... but whatever they don't have and need, they can sculpt out of your basic log.
The Missions
That would be telling. Canadian media is full of non-stories about otters nesting under the hood of a car, or the Premier's Chewbacca socks. What REALLY happened on those days? Well, the great maple syrup heist of 2012 comes to mind. A number of Soviet invasions you never heard about during the Cold War. That space mission when the so-called Canadian Arm was hacked by a Bond villain and Redwood had to arm-wrestle that thing into behaving. Am I telling the truth or just spinning a yarn to HIDE the truth? You'll never know.

Point is, I want to see the Woodsmen in Kingsman 3.

Now I know what you're thinking: What are other countries' independent secret services like? Do the French hide in a chain of restaurants? Is the Italian front a Vineyard? What's the real deal with karaoke's popularity in Japan? Maybe you want to let us know in the comments. If it's not too much of a secret, I mean.


Shotgun Godin said...

As a group effort, we did a casting exercise and we're pretty proud with the diversity of the cast and the gender equality within the field agent, Here it is:

Leader of the groupe, agent Oak - Donald Sutherland
Tech Guy, agent Witch-Hazel - Jay Baruchel

Field agents:
From Newfoundland, Agent Chestnut - Allan Hawco
From Prince Edward Island, Agent Butternut - Martha MacIsaac
From Nova Scotia, Agent Blue Ash - Ellen Page
From New Brunswick, Agent Redwood - Robert Maillet
From Quebec, Agent Bouleau - Patrick Huard
From Ontario, Agent Maple - Ryan Gosling
From Manitoba, Agent Spruce - Adam Beach
From Saskatchewan, Agent Pussy Willow - Tatiana Maslany
From Alberta, Agent Cedar - Rae Dawn Chong
From British Columbia, Agent Columbia Hawthorn - Ryan Reynolds
From Yukon, Agent Cherry Birch - Amy Sloan
From Northwest Territories, Agent Ironwood - Tobias Mehler
From Nunavut, Agent Cypress - Annabella Piugattuk

Of course, that good of a team deserves the greatest of villain to oppose them. We give you Keanu Reeves in the role of formally known Agent Fir who was banned from the Woodsman after turning bad since being corrupted by an evil family whose empire was built on oil and deforestation *wink wink*

I'd watch the HELL out of this movie. Hopefully coming soon!

Madeley said...

There should be something in here for Paul Gross. RCMP liaison?

Siskoid said...

Nice. I also have Rick Mercer as the PM. (SOMEbody's gotta give the order to raise the Canadian Shield!)


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