Are the heroes getting better the deeper we get into the article? No, of course not! How could they?
Case 116: Mad About DC #1
Dial Holders: Who still wants some?
Dial Type: Watch/Pendant Dial
Dialing: See previous two articles.
Costume: A green bodysuit with purple highlights (cape, gloves, a "6!" on the forehead, and Mr. Terrific-style letters on the arms), with a yellow emblem showing a six-fingered hand. A black domino mask is quite separate from the window's peak skull cap (in the TNT style). Oh, and those words on the sleeve? "FINGER IT!" Unfortunate.
Powers: He has six fingers on each hand. That's it. He can count to 12 on his fingers. What about his toes?
Sighted: Having just dialed in, notices he has twelve digits.
Possibilities: He's a DC character so maybe we're not being told that each finger has its own power. Kind of like Marvel's Mandarin, but without the cultural insensitivity. So when he "fingers it", it actually means something. I would also surmise that he needs to touch his target AND that each hand is a mirror of the other, so only 6 powers total. That buffs him up, but the costume is a dreadful eyesore. Do the Inferior 5 ever recruit new members?
Integration Quotient: 5% (come on now)
Costume: The pointy shoulder pads make this a "costume", but he's really a silhouette through which we can see cosmic stuff. Marvel's lawyers called and said they want Eternity back.
Powers: He knows all the secrets, but he can't reveal them because of some psychological or karmic blockage. I suppose he could ACT on them himself.
Sighted: Explaining why he can't be more helpful.
Possibilities: While copyright concerns do exist here, such entities do occur across all superhero universes. The "Secret Keeper" (let's drop the first epithet) shows up in cosmic storylines where the heroes need to know something and try to appeal to its sense of morality (or whatever it cares about) so it discloses what it shouldn't. Peyote buttons are probably involved.
Integration Quotient: 50% (a change of look might be in order, but no entity does this exact thing)
Costume: A red and blue costume without shorts so as to emphasize the four butt cheeks, with yellow goggles and brown belts/pouches. Not entirely 90s, but it's in the general ball park.
Powers: A mutation has given him two butts, one above the other. Hopefully, only one is connected to the digestive tract. The main ability here is having a back-up for when you're sitting for long stretches. The pouches speak to utility belt gadgets, so DBM doesn't rely on his butts alone.
Sighted: Looking back at his assets.
Possibilities: This kind of mutant is really a Marvel thing, but nothing stopping DC from having metahumans with lame mutations. To me, he reads like the pilot of a superhero team (goggles and strong sitting ability), but if his mutation made him want to get into the superhero game, he mostly survives it thanks to intense training. Buttsman sounds like Batman for a reason. That said, what kind of DC comic would house such a ridiculous character?
Integration Quotient: 10% (I couldn't quite convince myself, but I tried)
Costume: A black top hat with a gray band, a red bow tie, and tiny black cane are all this green snake can handle. I mean, one wonders how he even holds the cane,
Powers: He's a snake with all that entails, including slithering and biting. BUT he can also sing - and I would say, PERFORM - Broadway songs. The dancing is limited, but he seems able to telekinetically hold props for those musical numbers. Perhaps he can only speak IN song.
Sighted: Singing, but we can't know what for copyright reasons.
Possibilities: The WB also owns that singing frog from the Loony Tunes cartoons, so a team-up is inevitable. And since the DC characters sometimes interact with Bugs Bunny and Fam...
Integration Quotient: 10% (tie-in comics give him his small shot)
Costume: A red bodysuit with cowl, with some yellow lines at the joints (a bit like the Flash, sometimes) and the word DANGER with a thick arrow pointing down in that color. The arrow actually points to a chunky gray belt with a giant cannon-like aperture at the center that covers the entire crotch.
Powers: The belt focuses the laser energy of his willy to create powerful heat beams, riffing on Cyclops's visor, perhaps. It's not clear whether he needs to urinate to generate the power, or if the power just makes it hard for him to do so.
Sighted: Complaining about his urethra burning when he pees, as smoke comes out of his crotch laser.
Possibilities: I've referenced Hitman and his band of irregulars a couple times, but Laser Willy seems of a piece with that group, though he costume is too well-tailored by half.
Integration Quotient: 15% (a man with a laser willy walks into a bar...)
Costume: Really more of a villain's costume with its high collar and skull and crossbones emblem (from which flames are blazing). It's in teal and purple, and includes a yellow Batman belt and yellow goggles. His face is otherwise uncovered and showcases a moustache and soul patch. His left hand is encased in a big high-tech gun (kind of like Cyborg's sonic blaster, but with tubes and vacuum tubes. It has a long lead that must be plugged into a phone jack.
Powers: He can shoot a death beam from that arm, but only if he's plugged into the Internet via a phone jack.
Sighted: Looking for a phone jack as it's clearly an emergency.
Possibilities: A tough sell, and not because he needs dial-up. That simply puts him in a certain era, and ensures he retired once we got better tech (or upgraded to Wi-Fi). No, what's hard to swallow is a hero who has a "death beam". That's just not cool. Ethically, but also in trying to keep a rogues' gallery. At most, this guy shows up in a 90s comic, proves ineffective, and leaves the life.
Integration Quotient: 10% (shoots his shot and misses... IF he can find the right plug)
Next: Yes, one more.
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