Amalgamonth: Super-Soldier Strikes Back

If you're gonna match up DC and Marvel characters, then Amalgamate them, do it right. Here then is Round 2 of DC vs. Marvel done right. The battlefield is set for Super-Soldier's cast of characters. If you'll remember, Marvel took Round 1 by a hair (ironically, Kingpin's). And now...

Lex Luthor vs. Red SkullLuthor pros: A supervillain, Donald Trump and George Bush all rolled into one (a triangulation of evil). Sexy bodyguards. Luthor cons: His whole motivation centers around Superboy making him lose his hair.
Red Skull pros: Nazi. Ugly Nazi. Butt ugly Nazi. Did I mention he was a Nazi? Don't they just make the BEST villains? Red Skull cons: The unitard.
Win: The Red Skull can go toe to toe with Captain America, but while Lex can't say the same about Superman, it's all about buying power. Buying the power to kick anyone's ass. Capitalism is the new evil. 1-0 DC.

Jimmy Olsen vs. Bucky
Jimmy pros: Coming off a victory against Ben Urich. Somehow able to hold his own series despite being a supporting cast character. The bowtie. Jimmy cons: Countdown. That time he had a mullet. The bowtie.
Bucky pros: Two words - Winter Soldier. Bucky cons: His name is an insensitive racial slur.
Win: I'm sorry, but did you read DC vs. Marvel? It's pretty much a big, dull fist fight. Bucky clocks Jimmy out but good! 1-1 all.

Metallo vs. Sleeper robot
Well that was over quickly.
Win: Metallo over army surplus (a losing army's surplus at that) any day. 2-1 DC.

Lois Lane vs. Sharon Carter
Lois pros: Might or might not know Kryptonian karate. Love of Superman's life. Doesn't take crap from anyone. Young Teri Hatcher. The legendary status of Black Lois. Lois cons: The indignity of helming a title called "Superman's Girlfriend".
Sharon pros: Kickass secret agent. She doesn't desperately NEED a superhero to notice her. Sharon cons: I doubt the general public knows who Captain America's girlfriend is.
Win: Takes a while, but eventually, Lois Lane's bullet-riddled body washes up on the shores of Metropolis River. 2-2 all.

Superman vs. Captain America
Superman pros: Seniority. Has an indestructible shield... on his indestructible chest! Superman cons: Filthy alien come to tell us how to live. Crystal Krypton. Was never actually in the boy scouts.
Cap pros: The ultimate human. The A can stand for Avengers when it needs to. Has an indestructible shield. Cap cons: Currently deceased. That's a big hurdle to overcome.
Win: So it all comes down to this. Which represents the true American Way? The homegrown patriot, or the idealistic immigrant? In the original match-ups, Captain America was defeated by stray batarang and a wave of sewer water. It was the stupidest thing I ever read. Superman beat the Hulk. The HULK! In two pages! That's also pretty stupid, but the outcome is no doubt correct. So basically, though Cap's shield can probably withstand a blow from Superman's fists, he'd be knocked back into communist China. While that would sadly spell the end of that regime, it would leave Superman at the top of the podium. 3-2 DC.

So DC wins one and ties it all up! Marvel has to stop publishing Captain America immediately (which shouldn't be difficult with the hero dead - though I know, it's one of the best titles regardless), and Superman gets to go on. It's all about real STAKES!


De said...

Currently deceased. That's a big hurdle to overcome.

I hope you realize that hot coffee came out of my nose when I saw this.

Anonymous said...

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Siskoid said...

That is the nicest surgeon general's warning I have ever gotten. You made my Christmas Mike!

And De, I hope that heals well.

LiamKav said...

"Currently deceased. That's a big hurdle to overcome."

Was there any doubt that he would? Hey, Supes had already done it. If we count being encased in ice for 20/30/40/50/60 decades, then Cap has done it twice.

Also, does the new "cool" status bestowed on bow ties change Jimmy's outcome?


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