X-Patrol Strikes Back

Amalgamondays continue, as does DC vs. Marvel Phase II. The rules: All Amalgams from any given series see their constituent parts go at it, and the cumulative winner gets to publish those constituents' series. This time, they're fighting to see if they can hold on to the right to publish X-Force and New Mutants (Marvel) or Doom Patrol and Teen Titans (DC). It's a two-for-one kind of fight!
Current score: 3-3
The proof: Round 1 - Round 2 - Round 3 - Round 4 - Round 5

Weight Class - "Elasti-Girl": Elasti-Girl vs. WaspElasti-Girl pros: Can turn into a giant. Olympic gold medalist (swimming).
Elasti-Girl cons: B-movie actress with body image issues. DC leases out her name to Pixar because they obviously don't care about her.
Wasp pros: The sting. Surprisingly good leader of the Avengers. Holds the record for most superhero costumes (designs them herself).
Wasp cons: Married Hank Pym. Used and abused.
Win: While you might think the giant can beat the tiny fairy, that's not how comic books work. You know what they say, the bigger they are... And besides, the Wasp has a lot more control and battle experience. 1-0 Marvel

Weight Class - "Ferro Man": Ferro Lad vs. Colossus
Ferro Lad pros: Can turn into iron. Revered hero of the Legion of Super-Heroes.
Ferro Lad cons: Horribly disfigured. Dead revered hero of the Legion of Super-Heroes.
Colossus pros: Kitty Pryde's first beau. Strongest of the X-Men.
Colossus cons: Kitty was underage. Commie. A little sister that's been nothing but trouble.
Win: Colossus may not be a Sun-Eater, but I think he can take Ferro. CRACK! Why, yes he can. 2-0 Marvel

Weight Class - "Niles Cable": The Chief vs. Cable
The Chief pros: Incredible genius. Built the Doom Patrol. Remember when he was just the Head? That was F--ed Up!
The Chief cons: Wheelchair bound. Has no moral compass (which may be his power).
Cable pros: Big guns. 6 million $ arm and eye.
Cable cons: Son of Madelyne Prior. Convoluted history. A name that has nothing to do with what he does. Stryfe was clones from him. Uses something called the Psi-Mitar. Suffers very badly from Liefelditis.
Win: It is revealed that Nathan Summers' whole condition was caused by the Chief in the first place, who put a plan into motion that resulted in Cable's dystopic future, techno-organic infection, and means to return to our time. So as soon as they face off, the Chief pushes a button that makes the infection overwhelm Cable, taking him down before the fight can even begin. And DC is on the board... 2-1 Marvel

Weight Class - "Shatterstarfire": Starfire vs. Shatterstar
Starfire pros: Princess of Tamaran. A smoking hot body which tends to distract opponents. Smoking hot starbolts too. Even without powers, a fierce warrior. A really thick head of hair. Her universal translator is in her kiss.
Starfire cons: Homewrecker (leave Animal Man's family ALONE!).
Shatterstar pros: Gladiator training. Can channel power through blades and create teleportation fields. One the Marvel Universe's few gay characters.
Shatterstar cons: Rob Liefeld creation (you can tell by the sparkly eye), and he wasn't happy with Shatterstar coming out of the closet, at all. Another convoluted history (he comes from a future alternate dimension who mysteriously found he was an earthling's memories, but may be the genetically manipulated son of Longshot and Dazzler). His mutant powers are indeterminate at best.
Win: It's a long, knock-down, drag-out fight, and Shatterstar doesn't even feel "stirrings" from her bathing suit. Ultimately, Starfire wins through air superiority. PEW PEW PEW! 2-2 all

Weight Class - "Beastling": Changeling/Beast Boy vs. the Beast
Changeling pros: Can turn into any animal, including hawks gorillas and dinosaurs. Smart mouth.
Changeling cons: Prone to acting rashly. Terra. I've heard that it's not easy being green.
Beast pros: I've never heard that it wasn't easy being blue. Scientific and spelling bee genius. Prehensile toes.
Beast cons: Progressively losing his good looks... and fingers. Nickname in school was "monkey boy".
Win: There are no double standards here. If the Chief can win against Cable, then the Beast is smart enough to outplay Beast Boy. He waits for Gar to turn into a bird and pounces from the shadows. 3-2 Marvel

Weight Class - "H.U.S.K.": Dial H vs. Husk
Dial H pros: Versatility. The chance to see YOUR hero in print.
Dial H cons: You never know what you're gonna get. One-hour cut-off. Don't dial MONSTER or VILLAIN. Most dialed heroes have terrible costumes and names. Do kids today even know what a dial is?
Husk pros: Has the ability to remove one layer of skin - or "husk" - revealing an epidermis of a different composition beneath (stone, metal, etc.).
Husk cons: Gen-Y member of Generation X. Workaholic (just say NO to work, kids). Replaced by Buff in the TV movie. Using her powers destroys her clothes, which is both embarrassing and creepy when you think that she's always teaming up with her big brother Cannonball. Gross skin peels all over the place.
Win: All depends on what Vicki (I imagine it would be Vicki) dials. Usually, the first hero or two can't overcome the opponent, and only after trial and error does the dial give you exactly what you need. Will the fight last that long? Since all it takes is one defeat, Paige only needs to beat up Lawn Dart Girl the once to win this for her team. Deuce-X Machina never even gets dialed up for a finishing move. 4-2 Marvel

Weight Class - "Wonder-Girl": Donna Troi vs. Wonder Man
Donna Troi pros: Amazon powers (even if she may or may not be an Amazon). A costume that makes you think you're looking out into space. Almost-magic lasso. A super-strong pony-tail.
Donna Troi cons: An all-too convoluted history as well (that's what happens when they keep changing Wonder Woman's origin around). Kyle's girl. And before that, Terry's girl (brrrrr).
Wonder Man pros: Superstrong and invulnerable. A jetpack or flight belt that keeps his buns/thighs toasty.
Wonder Man cons: Has never had a good costume (quite the opposite). Leaks ionic energy, which makes him easy to track and presumably, a health hazard. Professional jealousy re: Tony Stark (that's a losing game). Said no to Steve Rogers. How many times has he died now?
Win: Who's the stronger hero in this punch-up? Likely Wonder Man, but though he's been trained by Captain America, he probably relies on his powers a lot more. He would probably underestimate Donna who's been trained as an Amazon warrior and who's had to adapt her style to whatever persona writers have folded her into. Wonder Man is surprised when he gets lassoed and thrown for a loop, and is eventually restrained, if not outright knocked out. 4-3 Marvel

Weight Class - "Polaris": Dr. Polaris vs. Polaris
Polaris pros: Mutant powers of magnetism almost on the order of Magneto.
Polaris cons: Doomed relationship with Havok. Unstable personality. Became Pestilence.
Doctor Polaris pros: Powers of magnetism on the order of Magneto.
Doctor Polaris cons: Very, very unstable personality.
Win: A couple of crazy human magnets throwing ferrous stuff at each other for a few hours. In the end, I've got to go with the greater power level and the Doctor is IN. 4-4 all

Weight Class - "Mary Marvel Girl": Mary Marvel vs. Marvel Girl
Mary Marvel pros: The grace of Selena. The strength of Hippolyta. The skill of Athena. The fleetness of Zephyrus. The beauty of Aphrodite. The wisdom of Minerva. The coolest member of the Marvel Family (especially the tiny tyke in Jeff Smith's version).
Mary Marvel cons: The various Dark Mary storylines. Has to share the lightning.
Marvel Girl pros: Fated to house the Phoenix Force. Telepathy/telekinesis combo.
Marvel Girl cons: Neither power is that developed, though she is quite good at throwing blankets over people.
Win: Mary Marvel vs. Jean Grey might have gone another way, but vs. Marvel Girl? No contest. Mary pounds her way out of that blanket and into Jean's face FTW. 5-4 DC

The Main Event!

Weight Class - "Doctor Doomsday": Doomsday vs. Doctor Doom
Doomsday pros: Killed Superman. The more punching he does, the more unbeatable he becomes.
Doomsday cons: Nearly mindless. His only weakness - entropy.
Doctor Doom pros: One of the MU's smartest. An army of Doom-bots and the Latverian militia at his command. Once held the Beyonder's power.
Doctor Doom cons: Horribly disfigured. You've SEEN the Latverian militia, right?
Win: Doom throws his Doom-bots at Doomsday, but the monster makes quick work of them, and the fight's not over until the real Doom is down. One destroyed Latveria later and Doomsday's at the castle gates. One castle in rubble later and the monster is upon Doom. His time machine's just not powerful enough to send Doomsday to the end of time, but then, he never gets a chance to even try. Doom is just a flattened beer can in the road now. 6-4 DC

And so it is that Marvel loses the right to publish New Mutants and X-Force, which isn't that big a loss when you think about it. Teen Titans and Doom Patrol go on... for now. The existence of Exciting X-Patrol means they should get a rematch in Marvel vs. DC Phase III some day! Overall score is now 4-3 for DC.

You can find out more about X-Patrol in a review I did some time ago.

5 comments:

snell said...

Sorry, but no way...Doom finds a way to steal/replicate Doomsday's powers, ruthlessly leaving him a quivering husk as he goes off to rub Richards' face in it...

Siskoid said...

In a perfect world, sure. But Doomsday was created for one thing and one thing alone: Killing unkillable characters.

That's it. He's a big ol' force of nature/cheap plot device.

Jeff R. said...

That's a Chris-and-Vicki new-style H-dial, so you don't have to worry about dialing "Villain" or "Monster" with it. Now, "Horror" is still a danger...

chiasaur11 said...

I'm still betting on Vic. Heavily. We're talking all the money, the family farm, several first round draft picks, and the shirt on my back.

Doomsday might have been able to take Vic first time out. Maybe. But we're talking a man with time machines, mind control, and magic going up against a foe who he just tested with Doombots, finding out about the whole adaptability bit.

Doomsday is going down like a punk. Back when Galactus was basically God, he wasn't enough to finish off Vic. Second rate event fuel is less likely to pull it.

Teebore said...

Yeah, I gotta side with the chorus here. Dr. Doom is like a villainous Cap or Batman: he'll always find a way (unless Richards is involved).

 

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